written by
W. Frank
Frank S. Wilcock
Billy Bennett
 Watchman what of the night, d'ye say? Well b'lieve me 'tain't all honey
Bein' a night watchman. Though mind you 'e gets good money.
I know what I'm a-saying of because I used to be 
Night watchman at two swords waxworks what got burned down d'ye see.
'Twas a gruesome sort o' job, an' it would fairly make you creep
If you had seen the sights I've see'd when you've been fast asleep.
Watchman, what of the night, d'ye say, now wouldn't it make you stare
To see them figures come to life and walk around you there.
Yes, Kings an' Queens an' Dukes an' Earls an' criminals an' all,
A hobnobbin' together like a Covent Garden Ball. 
I see'd it with these optics, it ain't no fairy tale,
It's gospel truth I'm tellin' you same as the Daily Mail.
'Twas Christmas Eve last Christmas, on December twenty four,
An' I 'ad been on duty just about an hour or more, 
I was gazin' on a bottle, wonderin' 'ow long it would last,
When suddenly all down my spine... I felt an icy blast, 
An' then I 'eard a soulful sigh an' then a mournful moan,
An' when I looked the sight I saw, near turned me to a stone.
For there was Mary Queen o' Scots a-walking round the place,
A-lookin' for Elizabeth I thought now 'eres a case.
But afore I 'ad a chance to move the other figures too,
All came to life an' started makin' such a how-d'ye-do. 
Lord Bacon and Will Shakespeare were having quite a tiff
As to who wrote Willy Shakespeare's plays, says Bacon, with a sniff
'Be shrew thee scurvy mounte-bank, you know I wrote the lot.'
Says Shakespeare, 'Gertsher scurvy knave, don't talk such blinkin' rot.'
And then I saw Richard the Third, they called him Dirty Dick,
He roared 'Ha ha! The Dook of York, off with his napper quick.'
But Hall Caine only grinned and said, 'Don't be a silly chump,
It's no use getting waxy, just because you've got the hump.'
Then Raleigh and Elizabeth they nearly came to blows, 
For Walter said that Lizzie had spoilt his Sunday clothes.
Said Raleigh 'When I laid my cloak down in the muddy street,
You made a nasty mess of it with your big plates of meat.'
Then there was Henery the Eight a-sufferin' for his sins, 
For each of his six wives had got a pair of waxwork twins.
And Wolsey laughed until he cried and said, 'Upon my word,
It serves you right you Mormon, for giving me the bird.'
Then Henry started laughing too, till he was out of breath,
And said, 'Your Wolsey underwear just tickles me to death.'
Then Charlie Peace strolled in and said, 'I've just left Jack the Ripper,
He's having quite a ripping time a-ripping up a kipper.
I'd like to murder someone too, it must be quite a time
Since last I had the pleasure of committing of a crime.'
His nasty eye then fell on me, my blood began to freeze,
My breath came in short pants and I was shaking at the knees.
'It's time that you were dead,' said he, 'so someone fetch a chopper.'
But Joan of Arc then butted in, just like a female copper,
She said, 'You'll hurt his feelings if you this crime commit,
If you must murder someone, murder me. l'm used to it!'
But just then Charlie saw my nose, and that made him see red,
With my wife's Christmas pudding then, he bangs me on the head.
Eight savage blows he struck me on my poor blinkin' pate,
And then I found 'twas day-light, and the clock was striking eight.
And when I found 'twas daylight, my courage rose onc more,
I punched old Charlie on the nose, and knocked him on the floor
An' then I thought I'd 'ave a drink, an' looked round for my beer,
But there was Crippen pinching it, so l kicked 'im in the rear.
Then them waxworks made a set at me with murder on their faces,
I fought 'em single-handed and I knocked 'em all to blazes.
Then I seized Napoleon, he met his Waterloo,
I hit 'im with my bottle an' broke it clean in two.
My blood was fairly up an' so I set about those dummies,
I chucked their arms an' legs about an' bashed in all their tummies.
What 'appened after that? Well, I don't exactly know,
I must 'ave been unconscious for about an hour or so.
An' then I 'eard the guv'nor say, 'To me it's very plain,
We'll have to give old Bill the sack, 'e's had D.T.s again!' 
The end