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I DIDN'T REALLY NEVER OUGHTER 'AVE WENT
by
Warner - Paul
Performed by Doris Hare
 
Doris Hare plays the character of Charlie, a young London boy evacuated to the country during the London bombings.
   
Mr. Weasel: Oh! there you are... where have you been?
Charlie: With Tom Cravett.
Mr. Weasel: And where's Tom Cravett been?
Charlie: With me!
Mr. Weasel: Well you stay here and mind your baby sister.
Charlie: Yes Mr. Weasel... Mr. Weasel, when are we going back to London?
Mr. Weasel: Don't ask me... ask Hitler!
Charlie: Oh!... Mr. Weasel, what's for supper?
Mr. Weasel: Er... a cup of cocoa and some bread and butter.
Charlie: Aah!... can't we 'ave some lovely, tinned pineapple?
Mr. Weasel: All you London kids think of is tinned pineapple.
Charlie: Well, it's better than bread and butter.
Mr. Weasel: Well, you'll get bread and butter... and if you're a good boy you might get a bit of cheese.
Charlie: Cheese!!!!... What's 'e think we are... Ruddy Mice?

It's funny when you're very, very small, 'ow things stick in yer 'ead,
Y' think about the grown-ups and what they've done and said.
I'm not so young as I don't know just what they've done t' me.
Still, I s'pose they thought it best that I should be evacuee.

Still, I didn't really never oughter 'ave went,
In London I was really quite content.
I wouldn't 'ave been windy wiv the planes up over'ead.
Talk of blinkin' aeroplanes, you should 'ear what father said,
Yerr!... they couldn't 'it the 'Forth Bridge' let alone small boys in bed.
No, I didn't really never oughter 'ave went.

I must admit I've learned a lot of things since I've been 'ere,
The county's really fresh, there ain't that funny smell o' beer.
And bread an' cheese an' onions, what I'm used to down at Bow,
But I don't 'alf miss me fish and chips, I really do and so,

You see I didn't really never oughter 'ave went,
The chips get cold or else I'd 'ave 'em sent.
'Course, we get good food, it's very fillin'
Cooked by two old dears that I must admit at first, they 'ad me all in tears.
Cor!... it don't 'alf make yer arm ache when yer've gotta scrub yer neck 'n' ears,
I didn't really never oughter 'ave went.

'Ere, I tried to 'elp 'em on a farm, I thought I'd 'ave a go.
At 'ay-making, 'course I stuck the pitch-fork through me toe.
As everyone was makin' 'ay and kickin' up a row,
I thought I'd sneak away and find out 'ow to milk a cow!

Well, I didn't really never oughter 'ave went,
I put the pail in place and' then I bent.
Then the farmer came and showed me, well... the things a cow allows!
No wonder in a farm-yard you 'ear some funny rows.
No, I didn't really never oughter 'ave went.

Off stage, a lady's voice: Come along Charles, time for bed.

Charlie: Oh blimey!... no I didn't really never oughter 'ave went.

 
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