Cardew Robinson

I'm a cricket bat, a cricket bat 
Is what I'm proud to be. 
My father's Stewart Surridge 
And my mum a willow tree.

My single life time mission 
Which of course is known to all 
Is to smite my mortal enemy 
The hard cruel cricket ball.

Balls - how I love to smash 'em, 
Balls - to frustrate and to foil, 
As they try to hurry past me 
Or try sneaking past - with guile.

And believe me, I can do it, 
Be I called on soon or late, 
Just provided that my master 
Lets me stand up nice and straight.

I'll send that round red rotten thing, 
Just where it ought to go, 
If I'm only standing upright 
With my face toward the foe.

And that, for many happy years, 
Is just what I have done, 
Because my batsman owner 
Was an England number one.

But one day, to my horror, 
This base, ungrateful star 
He signed my chest and gave me 
To a charity bazaar.

And if that wasn't bad enough, 
(Thrown out by number one) 
I'm bought by a Lord's Taverner 
Who only play’s - for fun!

Where once I stood up proudly 
Waiting each ball to be struck. 
I now lean limp and loosely, 
Like a badly ruptured duck.

Balls; now they all get past me. 
Balls; whenever they do please. 
Balls with leers and balls with sneers 
All balls; with ball faced ease.

And when I get within a mile 
Of those red pesky things, 
They always find my edges, 
Or my oil hole, where it stings.

So now I'm a sad picture 
In a bad state of decay, 
A bat with battered edges 
With my oil hole worn away.

A far cry from that bat I was. 
'Cos now I know full well, 
The bat I most resemble 
Is a bat straight out of hell.

My appearance at the wicket 
Now brings tears to purists' eyes, 
I once so firm and rigid, 
Like a lucky bride's first prize.

The effect upon my owner, 
Every day more clearly shows, 
Yes my sale brought him no century, 
As only Parsons knows.
The end