Richard Digance
When I was a lad in short trousers, 
I was taken to Southend-on-Sea,
There was me mum and me dad, me deceased auntie Glad
Me brother, me sister and me.
Now I don't mean auntie Glad was deceased when we left
Well!... that was the general assumption
Though I weren't all that sure... 'cos bar the odd snore
The rest of 'er seemed to malfunction!
I said, "Auntie, can we bury you, up to your 'ead?"
The way kids do to older relations.
But Southend's got no sand, just some stones close to 'and,
And some World War 2 fortifications.
Well, we 'acked at the bunkers with buckets and spades
"Pile 'em up to 'er neck!" me dad said.
Then, just for a larf, we placed crabs in 'er scarf
And a flag on the top of 'er 'ead.
And the tide came up to 'er 'andbag
It lapped around three of 'er chins,
Me mum yelled, "Why don't you leave 'er alone?"
So we did... went and played on the swings.
As I say, she's sadly departed, now.
And I must say, I miss auntie Glad
'Er and me down, at Southend-on-Sea,
They was good times the Digances' 'ad.
It was always the way with Londoners
To go see the lights, every year,
The 'ustle and bustle... the cockles and mussels
And to walk 'long the world's longest pier.
Nearly a mile out into the sea
Either walkin' or goin' by train.
Heavin' over the rail... in a force seven gale
Then on all fours a mile back again.
Icicles 'ung from me nostrils
But me mum would say, "Never mind, dear!...
It was worth every penny, 'cos I don't think too many
Have walked the world's longest pier.
I remember me sister got chatted up, once
By some bloke in a 'Kiss Me Quick' 'at
Well, she kissed 'im... seduced 'im, damn near reduced 'im
To marriage in seven months flat!
Here comes the bride, with something inside
The Vicar said, "Hello dear."
Her legs turned to jelly when 'e noticed 'er belly
And gave 'er the world's longerst peer!
Well, the world's longest pier... ain't there anymore,
It burned down a few years ago...
And the trains ain't steam now... they're diesel,
And the girls don't parade to and fro.
No, girls don't go to Southend anymore,
It's all Nice now or sunny Solaire.
And on that French Riviera, they bathe that much barer...
In pursuit of the world's longest Pierre!
The end