Bernard Newman

Today I was reading about a big ship
Some pirates were there on the deck
When all of a sudden my mother came in
An’ started off washin’ my neck.

Oh, I’m sure that my neck don’t want washin’
Why should mother always choose me?
There’s my sister Mary, with hair down her back
It hides her neck, so’s you can’t see
My mother will look at the back of my ears
And I’ll tell you a thing she will do
She takes out a hanky, and licks it - like this
An’ she - well, I don’t like it. Would you?

Mother says I should look in the mirror each night
To make sure that I’m clean before bed
But I know I’m clean by a much better way
I just look at the towel instead.

Oh, I’m sure that my neck don’t need washin’
I’m sure that it ain’t safe at all
I want to take warning from other’s mistakes
And not in their footsteps to fall
My dad’s got his hair off - he’s what they call ‘bald’
Its all rotted away, it appears
So that now he’s all neck to the top of his head
That’s through washin’ the back of his ears.

I’m in for some trouble tomorrow
Our vicar is coming to tea
And Ma will look round, just to see things all right
There’ll be one that’s found wantin’ - that’s me.

Oh, I’m sure that my neck don’t need washin’
I’m sure that it’s perfectly clean
I washed it last Saturday night in the bath 
To wash it again would be mean
I don’t see why vicars should visit at all
Then it wouldn’t be, “Come along, Tom.”
Why should I be polished up, just to please him?
Besides, s’pose the vicar don’t come!
The end