PEPYS'S DIARY
by
Benny Hill



A shy young maid has took a room down at the Village Inn.
Her bedside light is oh so bright and the curtains oh so thin.
At nine o'clock, she enters her room, at half past nine, she sleeps.
Lord Clarendon walks quickly on. but naughty Samuel Pepys.

Oh we know it's right.
It's in black and white.
And it's all written down in his diary!

I went to rent a ladie's house she handed me the key.
She said, "It's to be let as it stands with all that you can see."
"And are you to be left with the house?", said I in a saucy tone.
She said, "I'm not to be let with the house, I'm to be left alone!"

Oh we know it's right.
It's in black and white.
And it's all written down in his diary!

Squire Pitt locked his wife in her chastity belt then climbed upon his horse.
He left the key with the footman, lest he was killed in the wars.
He'd not gone far when the footman shouted breathlessly.
He said, "Squire Pitt, this key doesn't fit!" Squire Pitt said, "You're tellin' me!"

Oh, we know it's right
It's in black and white.
And it's all written down in his diary!

Halfway up a wall outside a castle in Traymere
There is a sign that reads "The Duke Of Denby Was Born Here".
I've traveled far and I've traveled wide but I never can recall
Ever hearing of a Duke being born halfway up a wall!

Oh, we know it's right
It's in black and white.
And it's all written down in his diary!

Last Thursday morn, my wife gave birth to a lovely baby boy.
As the doctor took me to see them my heart was filled with joy!
When he said, "He's got your husband's nose", my wife looked quite suprised.
She said, "That may be but you must agree he's got his father's eyes!"

Oh, we know it's right
It's in black and white.
And it's all written down in his diary!