Ode To An Absent Aunt
Cyril Fletcher
There is a body in our cistern and it's bunging up the pipes 
It's the body of our dear old Auntie Nell. 
Me Uncle 'Erbert done 'er in before 'e went away 
He's a wicked man and he will go to Hell.

He knew that poor old Auntie had some lolly salted down
In a stocking underneath the spare-room bed
She cried, 'Le' go me garter, 'cos I know what you are arter!' 
So he bashed her bonce and left her very dead. 

Cops get in a jitter if you leave a lot of litter 
Especially if you leave a bod around;
An acid bath is tricky, dissecting 'em is sticky 
And burying 'em will leave a tell-tale mound. 

So he lifted up the trap door that leads into the loft 
Without a 'By your leave' or even thanks,
And that isn't all, cock; he shoved aside the ball-cock 
And pushed 'er in the largest of the tanks.

Having hid the evidence he rang an airline up
And bought a one-way ticket to Peru
Which as she'd had ten thousand in negotiable bonds 
Was a thing that he could well afford to do.

We didn't miss poor Auntie for nigh on eighteen months.
We thought that she had gone the primrose path, 
Till one night when bathing, dad turned on the bathroom tap
And out popped Auntie's eyeball in the bath.

Which accounts for why our Dad was a-nagging of our Mum, 
Accusing her of being far too free.
Because in spite of all her protests that she'd only used one spoon 
He complained of too much body in his tea.

The end