THE BIGGEST ASPIDISTRA
IN THE WORLD
by Harper/Haines/Connor
Performed by
Gracie Fields
For years we had an aspridistra in a flower pot,
On the whatnot, near the 'atstand in the Hall
It didn't seem to grow 'til one day our brother Joe,
Had a notion that he'd make it strong and tall.

So he crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree 
And planted it against the garden wall, 
It shot up like a rocket, nearly touched the sky
It's the biggest aspidistra in the world.
We couldn't see the top of it, it got so bloomin' high, 
It's the biggest aspidistra in the world

When father's 'ad a skinful at his pub, 'The Bunch of Grapes'
He doesn't go all fighting mad and getting into scrapes
You'll find him in his bear-skin playing Tarzon of the apes
Off the biggest aspidistra in the world.

We have to get it watered by the local fire brigade 
So they put the water rates up half a crown
The roots blocked up the drains, grew along the country lanes 
And they came up half a mile outside the town.

Once we hired the Crystal Palace for an 'ot 'ouse, 
But a jealous rival went and burned it down
The tomcats and the moggies must have spent their evenings out
Up the biggest aspidistra in the world.
They all begin meowing when the buds begin to sprout 
Up the biggest aspidistra in the world.

The dogs line up for miles and miles a funny sight to see
They sniff around for hours on end and wag their tails with glee 
So I've had to put a notice up to say it's not a tree
It's the biggest aspidistra in the world.

It's getting worn and weary and it's leaves are turning grey
It's the oldest aspidistra in the world
So we water it with 'alf a pint of guinness every day 
It's the stoutest aspidistra in the world. 

The borough council told us that we've got to chop it down
It interferes with aeroplanes that fly above the town
So we sold it to a wood-yard for a lousy half a crown
It's the biggest aspidistra in the world.
The end