THE BIGGEST ASPIDISTRA
IN THE WORLD

by
Harper/Haines/Connor

pic

Performed by
Gracie Fields

  For years we had an aspridistra in a flower pot,
On the whatnot, near the 'atstand in the Hall
It didn't seem to grow 'til one day our brother Joe,
Had a notion that he'd make it strong and tall.

So he crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree
And planted it against the garden wall,
It shot up like a rocket, nearly touched the sky
It's the biggest aspidistra in the world.
We couldn't see the top of it, it got so bloomin' high,
It's the biggest aspidistra in the world

When father's 'ad a skinful at his pub, 'The Bunch of Grapes'
He doesn't go all fighting mad and getting into scrapes
You'll find him in his bear-skin playing Tarzon of the apes
Off the biggest aspidistra in the world.

We have to get it watered by the local fire brigade
So they put the water rates up half a crown
The roots blocked up the drains, grew along the country lanes
And they came up half a mile outside the town.

Once we hired the Crystal Palace for an 'ot 'ouse,
But a jealous rival went and burned it down
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