The tomcats and the moggies must have spent their evenings out
Up the biggest aspidistra in the world.
They all begin meowing when the buds begin to sprout
Up the biggest aspidistra in the world.

The dogs line up for miles and miles a funny sight to see
They sniff around for hours on end and wag their tails with glee
So I've had to put a notice up to say it's not a tree
It's the biggest aspidistra in the world.

It's getting worn and weary and it's leaves are turning grey
It's the oldest aspidistra in the world
So we water it with 'alf a pint of guinness every day
It's the stoutest aspidistra in the world.

The borough council told us that we've got to chop it down
It interferes with aeroplanes that fly above the town
So we sold it to a wood-yard for a lousy half a crown
It's the biggest aspidistra in the world.
 
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