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First Ladies
Gracie Fields
 
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ETHEL
by
Joyce Grenfell

I don't understand Ethel.
I don't, I don't really.
She's one of my very best friends,
Just about the best, nearly.
She's an awfully nice girl, Ethel is,
Dainty and refined,
I mean she'd never do or say
Anything unkind.
But get her inside a stadium
And she seems to go out of her mind.

'KILL HIM!' she yells, 'KNOCK HIS BLOCK OFF!'
At ice hockey or football or what.
'KILL 'EM!' she yells, turning purple,
'KILL THE PERISHING LOT!'
'SH-SH!' I say, 'ETHEL!'
'SH-SH!' and I die of shame.
'KILL HIM AND BASH HIS TEETH IN HIS FACE!'
She says,
And calls him a dirty name.

I don't understand Ethel,
I don't, I don't truly.
She is always gentle and sweet,
Never a bit unruly.
She's an awfully shy girl, Ethel is,
Wouldn't say boo to a goose.
You wouldn't think she ever could
Suddenly break loose.
But get her inside a stadium
And her face turns a terrible puce.

'THROW HIM OUT OF THE WINDER!' she yells,
And her eyes go a terrible red.
'SWIPE 'EM!' she says, looking cheerful,
'SWIPE 'EM UNTIL THEY'RE DEAD!'
'SH-SH!' I say, 'ETHEL!'
'SH-SH!' and I nearly die,
'SWIPE HIM AND GRIND HIS FACE IN THE MUD!'
She says,
'AND PUT YOUR THUMB IN HIS EYE!'

I don't understand Ethel,
I don't, I don't, really.
She's one of my very best friends,
Just about the best, nearly.
She's and awfully quiet girl, Ethel is,
That's why I never see
What makes her carry on like that,
Noisy as can be.
Then last Saturday down at the stadium
Well... it suddenly happened to me.

'BREAK HIS SILLY NECK!' I yells, 'IRON HIM OUT!'
Well, Ethel was startled at that.
'IRON HIM!' I says, feeling lovely,
'IRON HIM UNTIL HE'S FLAT!'
'OOH', I says, 'ETHEL!'
'OOH', and I did feel queer.
Then she grinned, and we both of us gave a yell
'BITE A BIT OUT OF HIS EAR!'

 
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