There's a family called Joneses come lived next to us
And they're causing our family no end of a fuss.
They're very posh people... you know by their clothes,
He wears plus-fours and she talks down 'er nose.
We used to be 'appy 'til they came our way
Now everything's altered, I'm sorry to say.

'Cos we've got to keep up with the Joneses.
We do just whatever they do.
They're so very cork-tipped that Mother got pipped
And said we would show them oo's oo.
When dinner is ready Ma bangs on a gong,
She puts in 'er aitches and gets them all wrong.
And Dad says 'e might 'ave a bath before long...
'Cos we've got to keep up with the Joneses.

We've got to keep up with the Joneses
Last Monday was their washing day.
And when Mother saw what Mrs. Jones wore,
Well, she bought a pair right away.
Dad said, "Aren't you cold in them thin celonese?"
Said Mother, "I was... 'til I hit on this wheeze,
I'm wearing me fleecy ones underneath these!"
'Cos we've got to keep up with the Joneses.

Dad goes off to work in a collar, so neat,
But 'e snatches it off when 'e gets down the street.
Jones kisses 'is wife when 'e goes off to biz,
So dad said, "I'm 'aving a basin of this!"
And just to make sure 'e's doing things swell,
'E kisses the dog and the tom-cat, as well...

'Cos we've got to keep up with the Joneses.
They really are terribly swell,
It gave us a jar when Jones bought a new car
So we 'ad to 'ave one as well.
One Saturday evening, Dad brought it across
But we lost it the following morning because...
The fella who owned it found out where it was.
But we've got to keep up with the Joneses.

We've got to keep up with the Joneses.
Our manners improve every day.
Even Grandma says, "Pardon!" and runs down the garden
When her food has gone down the wrong way.
Our Gert gave our Bert such a sloshin' one night
She said, "Stop that scratchin'... it isn't polite,
When there's company present you just let 'em bite,
'Cos we've got to keep up with the Joneses."