J. P. Long, Will E. Haines and Jimmy Harper (1938)
Performed by
Gracie Fields
Behold in me a member of a family called 'Binns,' 
Me mother's just increased the population wi' some twins; 
A lovely girl, a bouncing boy, they've neither mumps or quinsies,
We had a fam'ly gatherin' to name the Binns's twinsies.

'Eric and Veronica,' suggested Auntie Monica 
To Nurse, as she removed the safety pins.
Cecil and Celia, Clarence and Ophelia, 
Were some o' the names they tried to bung on Missus Binns's twins.

'Call the girl child Pansy,' said the curate, looking coy; — 
'Nay,' said sister Susie, 'Folks'll think she is a boy.'
Call 'em what the heck you like,' said Uncle Benje Binns.; 
But what about summat to drink the health of Missus Binns's twins.'

Owd Bill, the Captain of a barge, suggested Ebb and Flo. 
Bob Brown, who's breeding rabbits, gave his vote for Buck and Doe 
Then just as we'd made up our minds to call 'em 'Kate and Sidney'
Old Silver-side the Butcher, said, 'Well, why not Steak and Kidney?'

Algernon and Angelina,' suggested Cousin Geraldine
To Mother, as she strok'd their chubby chins, 
Rudolph and Felicity, Simon and Simplicity 
Were some o' the names they tried to bung on Missus Binns's twins.

Call the she one Clarabelle,' said fat old Farmer Joe,
'Once I 'ad a cow that name took prizes in a show.'
The torn cat started mewing and the goldfish flapped its fins! 
When the parrot suggested some terrible names for Missus Binns's twins. 

Then mother said, 'We"ought to name the girl for Auntie Flo, 
She's saved a heap o' money and she can't have long to go.'
But when they'd filled their glasses wi' another appetiser,
They went and mucked up ev'rything and named 'em Bill and Liza.

'Boneypart and Josephine,' suggested Great Aunt Clementine,
Who'd had about a dozen double gins. 
Archibald and Adeline, Claudius and Caroline 
Were some o' the names they tried to bung on Missus Binns's twins. 

'Call 'em Bright and Breezy,' said the servant girl Maria,
'Call 'em Wet and Windy,' said Doctor Macintyre. 
Father said, 'If I weren't scared o' adding to me sins 
I'd tell you a few o' the names I've got for Missus Binns's twins'.
The end