V.F. Stevens & Joe Murrells (1945)
I'm an usher at the `movies' that's wot I am.
A utility `commissionaire' no doubt,
I ushers people to their seats from half-past-twelve till `free'
And from `free' till half-past-five I chucks 'em out.
I wear a luvly uniform:- sky-blue, maroon and gold;
The fit is not so bad but then yer see!
The `usherette' wot wore it long before I got the job,
Was a girl about three times the size of me.
I don't stand any nonsense from those chaps wot come along
An' try flirtin' wiv me while I mind the queues;
I watch 'em, see! and if they swank an' book for 'arf-a-crown
I promptly bungs 'em in the one-and-twos.
I always 'ave me torch wiv me in case there's any fuss,
It's 'andy for the back rows where it's dark.
And since I've bin a usher-I've come to realize
Spoonin's easier in the pictures than the park.
I've seen some sights I tell yer!
Enough to curl yer 'air,
Couples 'oldin' 'ands an' chewin' sweets;
Women wiv big shoppin' bags an' kids wot cry an' scream
And leave their dirty bootmarks on the seats.
The `posh' seats are upstairs at 'three-an'-six' and 'four-an'-nine'
But 'four-an'-nine' for pictures cuts no ice,
Cos if just the same goes on up there, especially at the back,
Well at 'four-an-nine' I'll say it's worth the price.
One night the batt'ry of me little torch ran out
I tell yer! I was in a proper state,
I felt a strange 'and touch me and it didn't want a programme;
It was someone givin' me a "number eight."
I 'ave a 'arf day orf each week, I'm glad when that comes round;
My boy-friend calls and takes me to the "Ritz"
It's such a change for me who is a usher by perfession
To 'ave someone come an' show me where I sits.
I love to see the news reels and those flashes wot they shows,
Of diff'rent things an' wot they're all about,
But just as me an' Bert are gettin' matey someone says,
"That's the end of this performance... This way out!"