CHARLES THE FIRST
according to
Albert 'Igginbottom
(G.H. Goodwin)

ILLUSTRATION BY JIM GEOFF


When Charles the First came on the scene
With 'is talk of Divine Right of Kings,
One feller ..... Oliver Cromwell by name.
Said, "By gum I'll soon alter things."

"We can't 'ave t'King goin' on like this,
Chuckin' 'is weight about,
Sittin' up there perched on 'is throne,
It's time we 'ad 'im out."

"It's a revolution we want," went on Ollie,
"I'll raise an army that's wot.
I'll pick all the fellers with short back an' sides
So we know they're not the King's lot."

Charlie's mob 'ad long curly wigs,
Big 'ats an' fancy clothes.
They were called Cavaliers because they always laughed
When thev saw Oliver's warts on 'is nose.

"We don't take cheek from a feller like 'im."
Said Prince Rupert, a cousin of Charles.
"We'll knock 'is 'ead off, warts an' all."
To which Oliver responded with snarls.

Civil war went on, everyone got fed up.
Even Cavaliers were feelin' the strains.
They'd all stopped laughing at Oliver's warts.
They'd enough of their own aches an' pains.

After a while it were plain to see
That King Charles was just about done.
Oliver on seein' just 'ow things were,
Shouted, "Come on lads, we'll 'ave this war won.

Round Worcester, King's men got ready
To fight to the very last man.
Said King, "I'm right glad to 'ear you say that:
It gives me time to catch the last tram."

When t'Cavaliers and Roundheads met,
They fought 'til blood flowed down t'valley.
It reminded 'im, one Cavalier said,
Of Saturday night at the Palais.

Battle ebbed to and fro,
'Til Cavaliers were gradually worn down.
The bit about fightin' to t'very last man,
Were forgotten as they scarpered from town.

If Charlie 'ad kept quiet
And not tried to do people down.
Especially them with round pudden 'eads.
He'd 'ave a 'ead to 'old up 'is crown.

So remember if you ever 'come King,
Your duties don't you shirk:
'Cos if you rile a feller with a wart on 'is nose,
You'll find yourself out of work.