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CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS
by
G. H. Goodwin

Christopher Columbus

Queen of Spain were sat on 'er throne
When outside she 'eard such a fuss.
One of 'er courtiers came in an' said,
"There's a feller 'ere called Columbus".

"`E wants to see thee about borrowin' a boat
So 'e can go off on a foreign cruise,
Seems nobody else will do it,
They just listen, then refuse".

Queen of Spain, 'oo were a kind 'earted lass
Told courtier to let feller in.
"If there's owt in it for makin' me rich",
She said, "I'll 'ave a word with 'im".

"It's like this, Queen lass..." said Chris.
"I've just thought of a little plan.
I'd like to sail a boat on t'sea
And travel as far as I can".

Queen opened 'er mouth when she 'eard
And laughed 'til she nearly cried.
"Yer must be a daft 'ead", she said.
"Don't yer know you'll fall off t'side?"

"If yer think I'm givin' thee a boat
To commit suicide in
Yer must be dafter than I thought.
'Op it before I run you in!"

Christopher weren't a bit put out
And bravely stood 'is ground.
"Nay" 'e said, "Yer can't fall off
T'world Isn't flat, it's round".

"It must be round", said Columbus,
"Folk like thee make me laugh.
If it wasn't round, t'sea would disappear,
Like pullin' t 'plug from t 'bath''.

'Ee! I never thought of that", said Queen.
'So thee nip off and pack,
I'll be soft and lend thee a boat
As long as you share wot you bring back".

So off went Christopher Columbus
And set sail t'followin' week
With a big ship and a full crew
That Queen gave him for his cheek.

Crew weren't 'appy about this trip
An' walked round with faces grim.
Given 'alf a chance they'd 'ave 'opped overboard
But none of them could swim.

On an' on they went until
T'crews were beginnin' to think
That soon they'd drop off t'edge
An' finish up in some big sink.

"Look at me, lads", said Columbus,
"I don't look on t'black side of things".
"If that's t'case", retorted t'Bosun,
"Why art tha wearin' water wings?"

"Seems to me" went on Bosun,
"That lads will 'ave to settle thee.
We'd better see if them water wings work
By chuckin' thee in t'sea!"

Christopher were alarmed at this
It were a 'eck of a long swim back.
Besides, Queen of Spain were waitin',
An' she could do funny things wi' a rack.

"All right then" said Columbus,
'"Ave it your own way.
Turn t'ship round and get movin',
We'd better call it a day".

So t'feller 'oo were steerin' t'ship
Turned t'wheel as fast as 'e could,
An' not lookin' where 'e were goin',
Got t'ship stuck in t'mud.

"Thy's done it now", said Columbus,
As t'ship slowly came to rest.
"Tha'd no business steerin' t'ship,
Not 'avin' passed thy test".

There they were, stuck in t'mud
Just wonderin' what to do
When t'feller up in t'crow's nest yelled,
"I can see a boat in view".

Crew watched boat get closer,
Then summat made 'em stare,
For t'fellers 'oo were paddlin'
'Ad feathers stuck in their 'air.

As it drew alongside t'ship
Columbus looked down at boat.
"Hey up there" 'e shouted in Portuguese,
"Give us a shove to make us float".

Fellers in t'boat took no notice,
And one of 'em climbed up ship.
'"Oo's the guy in charge?" 'e asked,
"The Paleface runnin' this trip?"

"I'm t'Captain", said Columbus,
"An' these fellers are me mates"
"Oh aye" said t'feller, "Well, take off
I'm t'President of United States".

"I'm sorry Sir", said Columbus,
Bein' 'umble, just in case,
"But wot's a President and United States?
I've never 'eard of such a place!".

"It's United States of America" said man,
"An' if you'd sailed a few miles more
You'd 'ave seen Statue of Liberty,
Just off New York's shore".

"It's just as well tha' didn't go
'Cos my braves aren't struck on thee.
Just leave us alone to 'unt buffalo
An' get back across that sea".

"It's a pity", said Columbus,
'"Cos it's a place I've never seen,
Still... meetin' thee saved me a job,
I'll go back an' tell the Queen".

"I've never seen a President before,
An' I've sailed all over t'globe,
Standin' there all starkers
Wearin' feathers for a robe".

"Right then, I'll be off" said Chris.
"It's been a pleasure meetin' thee.
I'm in a bit of a 'urry,
'Cos Queen is waitin' up for me".

Back to Spain went Columbus
To tell t'Queen wot 'e 'ad seen
As 'ow 'e 'ad discovered America
When 'e 'adn't even been.

Accordin' to all 'istory books
It were 'im 'oo caused all t'rumpus
About 'ow 'e discovered America
When it were America wot discovered Columbus.

 
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