Field of the Cloth of Gold
by
G.H. Goodwin
King's Chancellor, Thomas Wolsey
Got an idea while 'avin' 'is tea.
'E looked at 'Enry the Eighth sittin' there
An' said 'I've got a job for thee'

'Oh aye' said 'Enry, gnawin' a bone 
'Wot's tha been up to . . me lad? 
Thy's a crafty old Chancellor 
I 'ope it isn't owt bad'

'It's like this 'ere' answered Thomas 
'Thee an' t'King of France 
Don't get on as well as you might 
So it's time tha made an advance'

'Wot's that you say?' roared 'Enry 
So mad 'e made Wolsey quake 
'I'll 'ave nowt to do with a feller like 'im 
Unless it's to dance at 'is Wake'

'Don't thee get mad' said Wolsey 
Pinchin' the last piece of cake 
'Thy'll 'ave to make friends sometime 
If only for England's sake'

'Thee an' 'im are always squabblin' 
Cockin' snooks at each other 
So I've arranged for you both 
To put a stop to the bother'

'I want both of thee to get together
It's time this breach was 'ealed 
I've arranged for 'im an' thee 
To meet in some big field'

'Wot the 'eck are you talkin' about?' 
Asked 'Enry knittin' 'is brows 
'That's no place for t'King of England 
In a field among all t'cows'

'Don't thee worry' said Chancellor 
'I'll make sure thy feet aren't cold 
I've got all t'women of England 
Knittin' a cloth of gold'

'I'll spread it all over t 'field
Just so thy feet won't freeze
It'll cover owt t'cows 'ave left be'ind
An' stop nettles from stingin' thy knees'

So 'Enry the Eighth an' King of France
Met on that golden field
And in front of all their supporters
Neither of them would yield.

They jousted an' wrestled each other
An' each bout ended up drawn
Old Wolsey was 'avin' the time of 'is life
Up in t'crowd sellin' popcorn.

They'd been at it for hours 
And t'crowd were beginnin' to moan 
Wolsey 'oo'd run out of popcorn 
Thought it were time to go 'ome

'E stepped out into the arena.
'Eld up 'i's 'and an' said
'I reckon you've both done enough for now,
Let's all go 'ome to bed'

'Both of you 'ave done a good job 
And t'crowd are pleased at it all 
They've asked me to sign thee both up 
For a return match, winner take all'

'Nay' said 'Enry 'I've just got to prove 
That I'm a better man than 'im 
After all that's wot I'm 'ere for 
I can't stop just for thy whim'

'I'll tell thee wot' said 'Enry 
'This will put us both to the test 
Let me an' King of France sing a song 
An' let crowd pick out 'oo's best'

Wolsey winced, 'cos 'e'd 'eard 'em both sing
At parties after a couple of beers 
An' thought that the only winner 
Would be t'feller with wool in 'is ears.

King of France started first
With a selection from t'Desert Song
By the time 'e'd reached t'Song of the Riffs
Over 'alf the crowd 'ad gone.

When 'e 'd gone off in a shower of fruit
It were 'Enry's turn to bat.
'I'll sing Greensleeves' 'e announced
And 'is supporters screamed 'No, not that!'

Off 'e started in full voice 
An' all 'is lads gave a groan 
By the time 'e'd finished t'song 
'E was standin' in t'field all alone

'Enry went 'ome in a 'uff
Right mad at wot 'e saw
'Right' 'e said 'To make 'em listen
To that tune I'll make it law'

An' that's why even now 
It's played regular without fail 
Don't ever walk out when you 'ear it 
Or else you might end up in jail. 
The end