GREAT FIRE OF LONDON
according to
Albert 'Igginbottom
(G.H. Goodwin)

ILLUSTRATION BY JIM GEOFF

Samuel Pepys said to 'is missus one day
"I'll nip out to t'corner shop
I've run out of ink for me diary
I 'aven't enough to write a full stop"

"Don't thee be long" said 'is wife
Givin' 'im a dirty look
"I think there's summat goin' on.
That tha doesn't write in thy book"

"I've seen thee makin' sheep's eyes
At yon lass in t'baker's shop
I'm tellin' thee, just be careful
Or I'll make both of you 'op"

"Nay lass" said Samuel, smiling
"I'm only bein' polite
It does no 'arm when I'm passin'
To wish poor lass a good night"

"I don't mind" said Samuel's wife
"Thee sayin' goodnight to t'lass
But thing that 'as me worried
Is that tha takes too long to pass"

"It took thee three hours last night
To fetch a new nib for thy pen
Tha would o'been there now if
I 'adn't 'eard Thee cacklin' like an old 'en"

"Tha's old enough to know better
Leadin' young lasses astray
Not that she'd take much leadin'
She already knows the way"

"I'm off then" said Sam slidin' out
Tryin' to look full of cheer
Which is a bit 'ard to do, like
When t'wife's flung a boot round your ear

Sam set off for t'stationer's shop
An' bought a bottle of ink
"I'm feelin' peckish" 'e said to 'imself
"I could just eat a pie, I think"

"I'll just go down to t'baker's
At the corner of Puddin' Lane
I 'ope it's lass 'oo's servin'
An' not 'er Mother again"

When 'e got there t'shop were empty
Except for t'lass 'oo flashed 'im a grin
"By 'eck" 'e thought "I'm alright 'ere
I bet 'er Mother isn't in"

"One fruit pie luv", 'e said to t'lass
Givin' 'er a bit of a squeeze
"An' I only 'ope that fruit's as sweet
As t'dimples in thy knees"

This remark made lass laugh
'Cos Pepys was quite a joker
'E gave 'er a kiss, then saw 'is wife
Standin' there 'oldin' a poker

"I've caught thee at it" yelled 'is wife
And advanced 'oldin' t'poker 'igh
'"Old on lass" cried Pepys "Don't be daft,
I were gettin' summat from 'er eye"

"Don't tell lies, I've been watchin' thee
Cavortin' around." Sam's wife said
"If I catch thee with this poker
Thy'll 'ave dimples in thy 'ead"

With no more ado, she let fly
With poker at Samuel's 'ead
An' bein' a woman, she missed 'im
An' 'it lamp on t'wall instead.

Lamp fell to t'floor with a crash
Spillin' paraffin all over t'shop
Some splashed into t'oven fire
An' round Sam, flames began to pop.

"Thy's done it now!" cried Pepys
Tryin' to beat out flames with 'is wig
"Best get off an' tell t'Lord Mayor
To get 'ere with t'firefightin' rig"

But it were too late to do owt
'Cos fire 'ad spread next door!
An' before you could say Samuel Pepys
It 'ad spread up t'street with a roar

On reachin' 'ome, they all looked back
An' could see London was all fiery
'Think on" said Sam's wife to Sam
'Tha doesn't put this in thy diary"

Pepy's an' 'is wife and t'young lass
Could see that things looked grim
Which rather pleased old Samuel
'Cos 'is wife 'ad forgotten about 'im

An' that's wot caused Fire of London
An' Pepys' wife 'as 'er 'usband to thank
That out of ten years writin' 'is diary
There was one page that Sam 'ad left blank.