G.H. Goodwin
Alfred the Great
'Wot's this 'ere place called Canada?' 
Asked George the Second one day 
'E was askin' 'is Prime Minister, Pitt 
'Oo'd come to t'palace for 'is pay

'It's next door to America' said Pitt
'There's nowt there but pine trees an' snow
If it 'ad been any good, you can bet
We would 'ave 'ad it ourselves years ago'

''Oo 'as it now?' asked King, interested like 
'Is it anybody we can awe
'Cos if it is we'll fight 'em for it
It's six months since we 'ad a good war.'

'T'French are livin' there just now' Said Pitt 
'An' they're always ready for a fray
T'Only reason we've left Canada alone 
Is because it's too far away.

'Oh it's French is it?' said t'King 
'It's time we got 'em out of t'way 
I've always fancied meself at ski-ing 
I'll go to Canada for me next 'oliday.'

'Now 'oo 'ave we got to send there?' 
'Oo's best general we've got? 
Some feller 'oo doesn't get chilblains 
An' doesn't mind if 'e never gets 'ot.'

'We 'ave got just the feller' said Pitt 
A general 'oo likes the outdoor life 
Why only yesterday 'e was sayin' 
'E'd like to get away from 'is wife.'

'Let's send 'im then' Monarch replied 
'I'd go with 'im if I wasn't King 
I'd like to get away from t'wife meself 
'Cos of 'er I can't do a thing'

'Never thee mind' said 'is Prime Minister 
'This feller Wolfe 'as no fear 
I'll tell 'im to be as quick as 'e can 
Thy'll be wantin' thy 'oliday next year'

So General Wolfe set off for Canada 
An' planned to land on the shore 
But 'avin' been a soldier all 'is life 
'E 'd never sailed a boat before.

'E aimed t'pointed end towards Canada
And said 'We'll be there in a jiff' 
But instead of landin' on t'beach 
Went an' stuck at foot of a cliff

''Ere's a right do' thought Wolfe
'Now we can't go in an' attack 
Old George won't be very pleased 
When 'e sees I've 'ad to come back.

Wolfe didn't fancy that at all
And thought 'e was fair scuppered
Then 'e 'ad a brilliant idea
There was only one way to go - Uppard!

French wouldn't expect 'im that way 
'Cos British could never stand height 
So 'e told 'is men that the first one up 
Could stand at back an' watch t'fight.

This 'ad all t'British climbi' up fast 
Not a man among 'em did shirk 
'Cos if there's one thing t'British soldier likes 
Is watchin' other fellers do all the work

They all reached top in one big bunch 
Wolfe couldn't tell 'oo 'ad won 
'Never mind' 'e said 'Seei' we're all 'ere' 
We might as well all join the fun'

Soldiers got mad at these words 
And from them came some angry yells 
An' without more ado, got crackin' 
To knock out of t'French, seven bells

An' that's 'ow we got Canada
'Cos General Wolfe lost 'is way
An' daren't go back to tell King George
That 'e'd spoiled 'is 'oliday. 
The end