JAMES THE FIRST
according to
Albert 'Igginbottom
( G.H. Goodwin )

ILLUSTRATION BY JIM GEOFF

James the First came down to rule
When Queen Bess handed in her pegs.
England's citizens stood and stared
At Jimmy and 'is bony legs.

They'd never seen a kilt before
An' they thought it was a woman:
An' when the bagpipes began to wail,
They swore 'e wasn't 'uman.

"Wot's the country comin' to?"
Cried old Sir Walter Raleigh.
"I'll smoke meself to death
Before 'im an' me get pally. "

James got niggled on 'earing this,
An' in 'is best scotch brogue,
Yelled to Walter.... "Scots awa'
Ah'll run ye through ye rogue."

Walt took umbrage at these words,
It really wasn't cricket;
An' when Jimmy waved 'is dirk,
Told 'im where to stick it.

That really started quite a stir
And James began to glower.
Two 'ighland lads picked up Walt,
An' flung 'im in the Bloody Tower.

Old Walt couldn't believe 'is eyes
An' 'im a "Sir" an' all;
'E got so mad that with some chalk
Wrote "Go 'ome Scotch" on t'wall.

Now up in Yorkshire County
Lived a pal of poor old Walt
Who when 'e 'eard wot 'appened,
Said, "It's that there James' fault. "

Guy Fawkes was this chap's name,
A true blue Yorkshire tyke.
'E decided to 'elp 'is mate
And set off on 'is bike.

Guy Fawkes went off to London
To lave a word with James,
And found 'im showing the girls
'Ow to play some 'ighland games.

James saw Guy Fawkes standin' there
And feelin' rather frisky,
Offered 'im a pewter jar
Full of Highland whisky.

Guy gulped it down without a thought,
Then wondered wot 'ad 'it 'im.
'Is eyeballs turned inside out
An' 'is teeth jumped out an' bit 'im.

By gum, thought Guy, he's poisoned me
With 'is devilish 'ighland brew,
I'll never 'elp poor Walter now,
By givin' old James 'is due.

Of course 'e was quite wrong,
In fact 'e soon felt quite alive.
Before 'e could say "Annie Laurie,"
Jim an' 'im began to jive.

When Guy awoke the following day
With a thick an' pounding lead,
'E blamed poor James for the feelin'
An' said Jim would be better dead.

'E went off to see Sir Walter
Who on 'is bunk was curled,
'E was busy with 'is memoirs
On 'is travels round the world.

Old Walt was glad to see 'im,
An' the two began to plan
On 'ow best to get rid of Jimmy,
An' the rest of 'is Scottish clan.

"I could stab 'im," said Guy Fawkes,
"But I can't stand the sight of blood,
An' if 'e can drink that whisky,
Poisonin' won't be any good.

"I've got it!" cried Sir Walter;
In 'is voice there was a lilt.
"Make a bomb that looks like a 'aggis
An' throw it up 'is kilt. "

"That's no good, " said 'is old pal Guy,
"At throwin' I'm a scream.
It's the only thing that stopped me
Playin' for Yorkshire's cricket team."

"I've thought of a beauty, " Sir Walter said,
"I think it's worth a try.
When Jimmy opens Parliament,
You'll blow the place sky 'igh. "

"I 'appen to know" said Wally,
"Believe me there isn't a catch,
In the cellars are barrels of gunpowder
Waitin' for a guy with a match."

Guy Fawkes looked a bit thoughtful
An' said, "It doesn't give me much chance;
I don't want to go up with that lot,
I'm takin' a bird to a dance."

"The answer to that's quite simple."
Said Walter, quite pleased with 'is ruse.
"When you go to the cellar to do it,
Just take an extra long fuse. "

So the evenin' before Parliament opened
Guy Fawkes crept into the crypt
And fastened the fuse to the powder,
Then on top of the barrels 'e kipped.

When mornin' dawned 'e got ready,
And waited for James an' that lot
Who came flauntin' their kilts an' their sporrans
Unaware of the gunpowder plot.

Guy took a match from 'is pocket
When 'e 'eard bagpipes wailin' above.
'E thought "Now's t'time to get crackin'.
'Ere's to Jimmy from Guy, with love.

'E, lifted 'is match an' struck it
On the wall... then came a catch -
Instead of a flame, nothin' 'appened.
It was a new-fangled safety match.

Things were lookin' quite desperate.
Guy Fawkes were right on the rocks:
The match 'e 'eld wasn't worth a light
Until it was struck on the box.

'E fumbled round in 'is doublet an' hose
For the box, now the time was right.
Then 'e remembered 'e'd left it with Walt,
So that 'e could light 'is pipe.

For the sake of a match the plot misfired
An' Guy finished up with Walt:
An' anyone readin' this little yarn -
Take it with a pinch of salt.

Guy Fawkes did 'is best to put things right:
An' I think I'd better mention -
'E's the only feller to enter Parliament
With any good intention.