Julius Caesar
by
G.H. Goodwin
When Caesar first came to Britain 
In the year 55 BC. 
'E just 'appened to be passin' 
And decided to stop and see.

It came as a shock to the Britons 
'Oo were standin' about just then 
To see t'beaches all covered
By a lot of queerly dressed men.

'They wear funny 'ats an' short skirts'
Said a Briton 'oo was close to t'sands. 
'They're all carryin' dustbin lids 
An' whackin' great swords in their 'ands'.

'It seems to me' said t'chief Briton
'These fellers are up to no good, 
It isn't the season for day trips 
An' they've not been through Customs as they should'.

Romans 'ad started campin'
On t 'beach where it were a bit nippy.
Old Julius 'oo were gettin' cold
Said 'Send out a scout an' look slippy'.

'I don't like this place' 'e said, 
'It's a lot different from Rome 
Where's all t'parties an' orgies an' things 
That we are used to way back 'ome'.

T'scout came back an' reported 
On wot 'e'd seen on the land. 
'Crikey' 'e said to old Caesar, 
'Their army's like a real comic band'

'They're all dressed up in rabbit skins 
An' carry big stones tied up on sticks. 
They've got their skin painted all blue 
An' our lot they're aimin' to fix'.

'They're lined up in their chariots
An' there's summat else that certainly won't please,
They've got razor blades fastened to t'wheels
To chop us off at the knees'.

When Julius Caesar 'eard this report 
'E decided 'e'd better get crackin' 
'E didn't fancy these British folk 
An' intended to send 'em packin'.

Meanwhile, back with the Britons
T'chief 'ad made plan of attack
By puttin' all t'chariots an' men at front
An' leadin' 'em all from the back.

Romans stayed all day on t'beach 
Buildin' sandcastles an' eatin' ice cream. 
Wot with that an' cockles an' everythin' 
They were rather glad they'd been.

'Take deck chairs back' ordered Caesar, 
'And stack 'em nice an' neat. 
We don't want 'em gettin' in t'way 
In case we 'ave to retreat'.

'Let's get on with it', Caesar went on, 
'I've 'ad enough of standin' 'ere, 
It's time we started t'battle'. 
So t'Romans set off with a cheer.

Ancient Britons saw 'em comin' 
With their standard 'eld up 'igh, 
An' written on it in words of gold 
Was 'Repent - The End Is Nigh'.

Words were meant to strike terror 
But Britons took no 'eed. 
Julius Caesar 'ad forgotten 
That none of 'em could read.

As t'Romans started advancin' 
It began to pour with rain, 
And as they'd forgotten their macs 
Down their necks it started to drain.

'By Jupiter', said Julius Caesar, 
'I've never been so wet in me life'. 
Just as 'e said it, it began to freeze, 
And t'cold cut through like a knife.

When t'Romans started shiverin' 
They didn't think it were funny. 
They started to run just to get warm, 
When it came out all 'ot an' sunny.

'Wot's this 'ere?' asked Caesar,
Feelin' so 'ot an' soggy, 
'They've got a right climate in this place'.
As 'e said it, everything went foggy.

'That's the last straw' said Caesar, 
'We can't make this place our 'ome. 
With weather like this, they're welcome. 
Let's get on t'boats back to Rome'.

With that, Romans retreated, 
Leavin' t'Britons standin' forlorn.
They were used to British weather 
'Avin' 'ad it since bein' born.

As t'Romans sailed into the sunset 
Caesar shook 'is fist as 'e frowned.
'I'll be back' 'e said, 'With all me gear 
To suit English weather next time round'. 
The end