Prince Regent
by
G.H. Goodwin
Prince Regent, or Prinny as 'e was called 
By fellers as was 'is pals,
Were a bit of a fop an' a dandy an' all 
With a wicked eye for the gals.

One of 'is mates, Beau Brummel by name, 
Was wot was called an arbiter of fashion. 
All t'tailors in London knew 'im well 
Dressin' up in new clothes was 'is passion.

'Im an' Prinny were as thick as thieves, 
Until one day Prince Regent got rough. 
'E got right mad when 'e saw old Beau 
Wearin' gloves while takin' snuff.

'I don't like that one little bit,' 
Said t'Prince all morose.
'It's all right for thee takin' snuff like that, 
'Cos tha 'as got a big nose.'

Beau Brummel didn't like that remark, 
An' went running off in a 'uff 
Saying, 'I don't care if 'e is a Prince, 
'E can't tell me 'ow to take snuff.

'I'm the feller who taught 'im to dress 
In all the latest gear. 
It's not my fault if 'e sticks out 
As much at the front as the rear.'

Things went from bad to worse,
As t'prince an' Beau got crackin', 
'Urlin' insults like custard pies
'Til t'court were sick of 'em yackin'.

Beau Brummel said some nasty things
An' got old Prinny real wild.
'Life won't be worth livin',' 'e said with rage, 
'Until that lad is exiled.'

'I'm not 'avin' 'im in the country
Where people know we've been pally.' 
So; before 'e could take a pinch of snuff, 
Beau was bundled off to Calais.

Beau bein' one of them 'aughty types 
Was not one o' them fellers who begs.
So 'e took a job when 'e landed in France 
Partin' poor little frogs from their legs.

French are partial to this sort of dish, 
An' Beau, 'oo preferred steak an' pud, 
Pretended 'e'd Prinny under 'is knife. 
Every leg 'e chopped made 'im feel good.

This sort of life didn't suit Beau,
'Oo 'ad mixed with all the gay dogs.
It was a bit of a comedown 'avin' to work 
Among a pile of legless frogs.

Then Beau 'eard that t'Prince Regent 
'Oo was always a bit of rip:
'Ad decided to look French birds over, 
An' 'ad come over on a day trip.

'Now's the time to get even,' 
Thought Beau, pullin' off a frog's leg 
'If I could only just see 'im, 
I'd bring 'im down a peg.

When t' Prince arrived it was obvious 
Somewhere to stay must be found.
So 'e settled at last for a nice little place 
At five francs a day all found.

'E was tired after all that travelling, 
An' decided to go off to bed.
'E looked a fair treat in 'is nightgown 
Lyin' there with 'is crown on 'is lead.

An' that's 'ow Beau Brummel found 'im; 
Lyin' there so stately an' grand. 
'By heck,' said Beau, fair seethin' 
'I'll crown 'im with this bag o' sand.'

Suddenly t' Prince started talkin'
In 'is sleep, of days long gone past. 
As 'ow 'im an' 'is pal Beau Brummel 
Should shake 'ands and make up at last.

On 'earin' this Beau dropped 'is sand bag, 
Wiped the tears from 'is eyes with 'is cuff. 
'Wake up old friend, ' he shouted. 
'For your sake, I'll stop takin' snuff.'

'E was tired after all that travelling, 
An' decided to go off to bed.
'E looked a fair treat in 'is nightgown 
Lyin' there with 'is crown on 'is lead.

Prince Regent opened 'is eyes when 'e 'eard 'im, 
An, looked at 'is friend standin' there. 
'By gum,' said t'Prince, 'it's nice to see thee.
Don't stand lad, take a chair.'

The moral of this is quite plain:
If friendship you want to keep. 
When your pal comes to your room with a sand-bag
Pretend to talk in your sleep.

An' if you want to keep in with royalty, 
An' be matey like two turtle doves;
When you decide to take a pinch of snuff -
Be a gent an' take off your gloves. 
The end