QUEEN ELIZABETH THE FIRST
according to
Albert 'Igginbottom
(G.H. Goodwin)

ILLUSTRATION BY JIM GEOFF

When Queen Bess arrived on the throne
Everything started to 'um,
She didn't sit around keepin' it warm
But started to get things done.

One of the things she decided to do
Was to have a war with Spain;
She'd got fed up with the Spaniards' idea
That t'English Channel was t'Spanish Main.

She started ball rolling in a fit of fun
By singein' t'King of Spain's beard,
She offered 'im a puff of Raleigh's pipe
An' when 'is beard caught fire just jeered.

King of Spain wasn't 'avin' that,
An' off 'e went in a 'uff
To get together a whole lot of ships
And said "I'll teach 'er to play rough."

Now good Queen Bess 'ad an admiral
Sir Francis Drake, a man who would never fail:
She always knew where to find 'im
When she wanted to go for a sail.

So off went Bess with 'er courtiers
An' rode down to Plymouth that day
Where she caught Francis Drake rollin' 'is bowls,
And she just 'ad to stop all the play.

In Plymouth there was a certain pub,
An' Frank would be round at the back,
'Cos there, was a well laid out bowling green
Where 'e spent 'ours cloutin' the jack.

"Hey up there" said Bess, haughty like
Only a Queen can speak.
"Don't you know there is a war on?
Get crackin' - now, not next week.

Sir Francis stopped as 'e 'eld up his bowl
And said "Now don't make a fuss,
Don't thee get worried Elizabeth lass,
I'll get down to t'fleet on a bus. "

"I've got this 'ere game to finish,
There's a heck of a lot 'ere at stake,
An' if I can't beat this lot an' t'Armada
Me name ain't Sir Francis Drake.

Well t'Queen sat there fair flummoxed,
Armada 'ad been seen off the coast
An' she 'ad to sit there like a book-end
While Francis took time off to boast.

"I'll not stand for this, " said t'virgin Queen
(So called because she'd never been wed)
"If yer don't drop your bowls and get with it,
You'll begin to wish you were dead. "

So Francis went to round up t'fleet
Who 'ad all gone 'ome for their tea.
Said one brave captain on bein' asked why,
Said, "We got fed up waitin' for thee.

Francis finally got 'em all goin'
An' off went the fleet to do battle
Leavin' good Queen Bess astride 'er 'orse
Wavin' 'er scarf an' 'er rattle.

Battle were short 'cos Francis were wantin'
To get back to 'is bowls, an' wot's worse, '
E'd left two bob at the side of 'is beer
Which Bess would whip in 'er purse.

If it 'adn't been for that cash lyin' there,
England would 'ave been beaten down:
And Liz might 'ave gained a couple of bob,
But would 'ave lost 'er royal crown.