QUEEN VICTORIA
according to
Albert 'Igginbottom
(G.H. Goodwin)

ILLUSTRATION BY JIM GEOFF

Victoria came on the throne,
After all t'Georges were gone.
She were nowt but a lass when she started,
An' ruled for sixty years on.

One of 'er friends was a feller named Brown
A Scot, 'oo was always around
To tell 'er wot or not wot to do,
When Disraeli couldn't be found.

Parliament weren't fond of this dour chap,
'E were always well to the fore.
It would 'ave given 'em great joy
To show 'im t'palace door.

One day while up in Scotland,
T'Queen 'oo were out shootin' stags,
'Appened to see in the distance,
Two fellers smokin' their fags.

Now t'Queen didn't approve of 'em smokin'
In 'er company it just wasn't done.
So she sent off John Brown to tell 'em
That smokin' fair took the bun.

The two fellers on 'earin' the message,
Took umbrage an' 'arsh words were used,
An' when they were repeated to t'Queen,
She definitely wasn't amused.

"We've come to a right state of affairs,"
Said t'Queen bangin' 'er foot,
"When I can't tell a couple of fellers
To jump on a cigarette butt."

Off she went back to London,
An' sulked in t'palace in tears.
Everyone wondered just wot was wrong,
They never saw t'Queen for years.

"We can't 'ave this," said John Brown,
"Royalty's supposed to be seen;
Sittin' there like summat out o' Madame Tussauds
It just isn't done by a Queen."

"Nay lad," said t'Queen with a sob,
"Folk won't do as they're told.
I shan't budge out of this palace,
Until I'm wrinkled an' old."

"Come off it," said John Brown gettin' mad.
"I can't see the point of all that.
If yer don't go out to see t'subjects,
When yer old yer'll also be fat."

Queen started up at these words:
Gettin' fat was 'er greatest fear..
If yer want to get a woman worried,
Tell 'er she's growin' out at the rear.

"I'm glad you mentioned that little thing,
Said t'Queen, "I'm not 'avin' that.
I don't mind sittin' 'ere gettin' old,
But I can't abide gettin' fat."

So t'Queen made 'er appearance,
Which satisfied all t'common folk;
Specially them two 'oo'd started it off
Becos' they couldn't wait for a smoke.

Queen Victoria reigned a long time :
Sixty years on the throne she sat.
She'd be sittin' there yet, but for John Brown
Tellin' 'er she'd finish up fat.