THE AMAZING MAHATMA
FROM CLEGG ROAD
by
Gary Hogg

Bill Bendelows from Co-op haberdashers
Was taking in t'blind Friday night
When he heard his name spoke, and there stood this bloke
Stood grinnin' and dressed all in white

Bill says "Well, I'll be blowed, Seth Sykes from Clegg Road"
Seth says "Aye, but I'm not any more,
You're looking at the Amazing Mahatma,
The Psychic from a far distant shore"

"Far distant shore? You used to live just next door,
Like I say, on't Clegg Road, number five,
Din't you once do an act wi' a dummy?
Ventriloquist like, am I right?"

"Yer spot-on" says he "But between you and me,
I'm not into that any more,
Like I say I'm the Amazing Mahatma"
"Aye, you said….. From a far distant shore"

"Well that's just a gimmick to make us sound cool,
Mysterious and sort of aloof"
Bill says, "You must have some loot …and what's with the suit?
You look like a right flamin' goof"

"That's me image. And aye, I'm doing right well,
Come on and I'll buy you a half,
And I'll tell you how I made all me money"
Bill says, "I'll just get me cap and me scarf"

Seth clicked his fingers and a car drew up close
He says "We'll go in the Rolls we're not walkin'"
"We're not drinkin' halves neither wi' you dressed like that"
Says Bill "Don't want folks to start talkin'"

The chauffer pulled up at the Stile Builders Arms
And ushered the old pals inside
Where they ordered two pints and two pasties
From a bloke who were fat and cross eyed

"So what's this you said about physics" says Bill
"Psychic, man! Psychic!" says Seth
"I'm a clairvoyant, I can see in t't future,
And talk to folks after their death"

"How the hell did you ever become one of those?
You were throwin' yer voice last I knew"
He says "I don't rightly know but one night doing t'show,
It sort of came to us out of the blue"

"I'd gone as far as I could - I were pretty damn good!
I even played in front o't Royal Highness"
"Oh, aye" says our Bill who were smellin a rat
"I know you were big on the wireless"

Seth says "I know it sounds funny but now I get money,
For putting folks in touch wi the dead,
I can get them to talk to their Grannies"
"How the hell d'you do that then?" Bill said

"Well, for a tenner, I contact your friend who's passed on,
It's quite a perplexing technique,
And for twenty you can ask him anything that you like,
And for thirty I'll get him to speak"

"You must be rolling it in" said Bill wi' a grin
"That's cos I'm top o' me league,
It's me speciality you see, that bumps up the fee"
"What's that then?" says Bill quite intrigued

"Well, say some woman's right glad to talk to her Dad,
And I get Dad to talk back to his daughter,
But this time around for an extra ten pound,
I'll drink a whole glass full of water!"

The end