Gary Hogg

Me Auntie Barbara's son Joe lives down our back row
And he was telling us about Mary, his bird
And the morning of the Bethlehem Charabanc trip
He said the funniest of things had occurred.

Mary, his fiancée, had just left their Nancy's
When there happened the most strangest of things
There was a puff of white smoke and there stood this bloke
In a nightie with a halo and wings.

Well she jumped with the fright, she says "You've no right,
Putting the willies up people like that
She says, "I've come ower all queer, I'm all wobbly stood here,
I'll have to sit down you daft pratt! He says,

"I'm sorry for the fright, It's Mary, am I right?,
I've got summat in here, just for you,
It's from our Lord God Almighty." he put his hand in his nightie
Mary went a bit faint and said, "Ooh!"

She was relieved, poor soul, when he pulled out a scroll
Started to read about joy and glad tidings
She's says, "You'd best sling your harp and bugger off sharp,
'Cos if our Joe comes you'll get a good hiding!"

"Hang on Mrs er... It's all 'whyfores' and 'wheres'"
She says, "Miss!" he says "What?" she says "Miss!"
"Miss?" he says, "Oh, you're not married?" she says, "No!"
He says, "In that case it's bad news, is this."

He says, "What it says, is; in a couple of days,
Your gan' to give birth to a saviour,
Some sort of Messiah." She says, "Eeh, you big liar,
We don't go in for that sort of behaviour."

Mary was struck dumb, then as fast as he'd come
He done a bunk in a flash of white light
She says, "Oh yeah, thanks a bunch, put us right off me lunch,
And now me corsets have gone really tight."

She met up with her pals down by the canal
Where the charabanc was sat sitting waitin'
"What time d'you call this?" said Joe givin her a kiss
She says, "Shush, Joe, give ower creatin'."

Joe helped her on the bus, made a right flaming fuss
Gave a heave and gritted his teeth.
He gave a big push, Mary started to blush
He says "Bugger me, you've narf piled on some beef!"

She's says, "Ha'ad yer gob, Joe. There's summat you should know,
I've just discovered I'm gan' to give birth."
He looked her straight in the eye, says "You what?" she says "Aye"
And started explaining for all she was worth.

She says, "I'm supposin' we should be glad we were chosen,
Fancy picking us! What's the odds?"
He says, "There's summat I'm missin', can you get pregnant by kissin'?"
She says, "No, you daft tatie, it's God's!"

She thought she'd best mention divine intervention
'Cos Joe was, like, smelling a rat
He says, "Oh aye, hunky-dory, you mean he takes the glory,
And leaves us with the bairn... Bugger that!"

It was quite a long drive, and by the time they arrived,
The whole bus was all laughing and shrieking;
But at the back of the bus things were being discussed
And by this time Joe and Mary weren't speaking.

After a day on the booze, Joe was singin the blues
Well actually, he was joining in wi' 'Wild Rover'
Mary grabbed at his hand, she says "I don't feel too grand,
I think you and me'd best stop over!"

After they'd piled all the gang back on Bills Charabanc
They went wandering the streets for a bed
And at quarter to three, they found a cheap B&B
But, "I'm sorry we're full up!" the bloke said

"I've got no rooms" he said "But I've got this bit shed,
It's quite dry and there's plenty hay in it."
Mary shouts "That'll do.! and then she went, "Ooh!"
She says, "Me contractions are every three minutes!"

Bloke says, "Hang on a tick, I know a shepherd called Mick,
He's a dab hand at lambing and that,
He'll know what to do, I've seen him wi' ewes,
And he helped Mrs Nicholson's cat."

It was early that morn' that the baby was born
And three wise men from the west wandered in
They said, "For summat so young, he's a fine pair of lungs,
You can hear it a mile away, that din!"

One of 'em had a runny nose and when he came close
He looked like Persian or Mesopotamian
Just then he sneezes and Mary shouts "Jesus!"
Joe says "Write that down, it's better than Damien."

While wiping his eyes Joe says, "That's not too wise,
You could give the poor bugger your cold."
He says, "No, yer okay, I'm just allergic to hay."
Then he handed over a bag full of gold.

Joe says, "That's very kind are you sure you don't mind,
Thanks a lot, hey, this isn't too bad."
He looked at Mary and kid and said
"Well I never did, I could get used to this being a dad."

He says, "It's brilliant is this!" He gave Mary a kiss
And went off to phone Auntie Barbara
Thinking, "Bethlehem's quite nice but I'll not do this twice,
Next year we're going to Scarborough!"

The end