THE GREAT AMBLETHWAITE
CAP MYSTERY

by
Gary Hogg

He was a right flamin' fidget was Alec McGarr
And one night, his best mate Jimmy Gower
Says, "For heavens sake Mac, what you doing with your cap?
You've been fiddling best part of an hour."

He says "Summat's not right, see it got wet last night
And I hung it on't fender to dry,
I must've been drunk, you see the caps gone and shrunk
But the linings sort of stayed the right size."

Jim says, "It's time you'd a fresh'n, you've had that since t'depression,
I can remember it once had a pattern,
It don't owe you nowt, why don't you splash out...?
Get a fresh'n and chuck away that'n".

Mac says "You needn't talk, yours is old as the hills,
I'll only get one if you do an'all"
Jimmy thought for a mo then said "Okay then right-o,
We'll go to t'cap shop next door to Town Hall"
  So the very next day they checked at the display
In the window before they went in
There was checks there was tweeds in fact owt you might need
And yet Mac chose the same one as Jim.

"That's not a problem" said the man serving on
"They come in all sizes and shapes,
Even blue ones and reds, now  give us your ‘eads"
Then he measured them both with a tape

"Right, seven and three quarters that's the one that fits you,
And yours sir, is five and seven eighths"
Mac turned round and said "In't you got a big head?"
Jim says "What's two flamin' inch between mates?"

The man showed them the caps, best Donegal Tweed
And they tried ‘em and they fitted right good
Then he wrapped them up in two brown paper parcels
And they paid him and left. Like you would.

Mac says "I'm excited" Jim says "I'm delighted"
So they nipped into the Swan for a dram
It was three hours later they fell out of the pub
With their parcels and went for the tram.
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