DEAD MEN DON'T WEAR 'ERRINGBONE
by
Gary Hogg



I remember when old Alfred Stone popped his clogs
He was taken to the chapel of rest
He was wearing the clothes that he'd died in
His moleskins and a raggy string vest

The undertaker, old Stan, from the Co-op
Being, respectful, but still quite astute
Had a quick look in the wardrobe
And grabbed Alfred's old de-mob suit

Stan did a good job on old Alfred
Trimmed the hairs from his nose and his ears
In his suit with three fingers of Brylcreem
He looked better'n he had done in years

Old Peggy got on with the mourning
And whilst going through Alfred's effects
Was overcome with a sudden compulsion
To go and pay final respects

The chapel of rest was just closing
When the Amblethwaite bus got to town
Old Stan had just put the bolt in the door
And started to pull the blind down

He saw Peggy, and being respectful
Said "Come in, pet and sit yourself down,
But could you be in and back out in ten minutes?,
I've got a darts match tonight at the Crown"

He showed her through the backshop to the chapel
And, respectfully, lifted the top
He left her stood at the side of the coffin
And went back to sit down in the shop

He'd just put his feet on the pot-bellied stove
When Peggy come rushing back through
He got such a fright, set his turn-ups alight
And, respectfully, says "What's to do?"

She says "Nowt's wrong, old love, he looks really well,
You've done a grand job, he looks cute,
But he's been saying for years, when he gets to the gates
He wants to be wearing his 'erringbone suit"

Stan says "There isn't much time to do owt,
The funerals tomorrow at two,
Me assistant's been off for a week with his neck,
I'll promise nowt but I'll see what I can do"

So Peggy went home and Stan went to his darts
They got hammered by the lads from the Swan
Cos poor Stan's mind was not on his game
He was thinking what Alfred had on

Peggy called at the Co-op next day about noon
Just to have a last look at her love
Stan had this big smile, "I think you'll be pleased"
Peggy looked and said "'eavans above!"

And there lay old Alf in an 'erringbone suit
She say's "'ow the 'ell d'you do that?"
Stan says, respectfully like "I bent some of the rules,
You'll have to keep it under your hat,

It was a coincidence" he says "but I got this lad in,
And just before I nailed down the top,
I noticed the 'erringbone suit he had on,
And I thought I'd perhaps do a swap"

"I measured their heights, they were both five foot two,
They were even the same inside leg,
So not to disturb them any more than I should,
Respectfully, ....I just swapped their heads!"