THE GRAVEYARD SHIFT
by
Gary Hogg



There's nowt ever happens in our neck of the woods
That's Amblethwaite, up north, where it's cold
The death rates pretty normal, that's one thing
It's about one death per person, I'm told

Now you know that I'm not one to gossip nor nowt
But I thought you should know all the same
You know Freddie Norris? Well when he passed away
There's not one person said "That's a shame"

One thing folks can't stand is a moaner
And a right grouchy old whiner was Fred
He wouldn't spare feelings if owt was amiss
He'd say the first thing that come into his head

And just to be awkward he picked winter
The ground was as hard as bell metal
The plot was the far end of the graveyard
And surrounded with brambles and nettles

"He just did that on purpose", said old Geordie Nick
Who's job it was to dig graves "
Decent folks would've waited till springtime,
It'll take a good two or three days"

Poor lad chiselled and dug with a pick and a spade
From seven o'clock Thursday morn
And by nightfall on Friday he was just about done
"I think I'll off home now", he yawned

He was too tired to bother with covers or owt
He just wheeled all his stuff to his shed
Locked up his steps and his shovels and things
And wandered off home to his bed

There's always been a shortcut through the graveyard
Through the hedge and then down over the stile
Cos if you had to walk round then back up the hill
Must be getting on for a mile

So there's Cliffy on his way from the Amblethwaite arms
Friday night after spending his dole
Come staggering through the gap in the privet
Tripped up and went straight down the hole

He was dazed for a while then he slowly came round
And he cursed when he saw there's no ladder
It was half an hour or more since he'd come out the pub
And he was needing to empty his bladder

So he was resigned to the fact that it would be quite a while
And he pulled up his collar and sat
He wrapped himself up in that day's racing post
And thought to himself "Well, that's that"

"There's no use complaining" thought Cliffy
As he lay in the dark undeterred
"I've seen lads in the war got their heads blown off,
And you never heard them say a word"

He managed to sleep for an hour quite soundly
He'd spent worse nights at El Alemain
The effects of the brandy came in quite handy
Cos he was certainly feeling no pain

Now all this time just over the hedge
In the shelter by the thirty-nine stop
Young Darren McGuire had been having a snog
With Nell Hutton from Wilkinson's shop

He put her on the last bus and climbed through the hedge
And he turned to give her a wave
Got his foot caught up in the brambles
And went flying head first in the grave

He panicked a bit, poor lad, well you would
And he clawed at the sides to get out
He jumped up and down like something not right
And then he started to scream and to shout

"You've got no chance", said Cliffy, "I've been trying meself,
You might as well come here and sit"
And you know, though it was steep he got out in one leap
Hearing a voice in the dark helped a bit!

He never turned round he just ran and he ran
With all manner of grizzly thoughts
"That's the last time that I take a shortcut through there,
And that's the last time I'll ever drink shorts"

"There was no need for that", thought poor Cliffy
"Must've been summit I said"
And he curled up again with his racing Post
And pulled his jacket up over his head

He kipped for an hour, it could've been more
Then he woke and he lifted his head
And he thought he could hear someone singing
And he knew by the song it was Ted

"Irene, good night Irene"
He was singing at the top of his voice
He'd blown all his cash at a lock-in
So he had to walk home, he'd no choice

"Champion", says Cliffy, "There's my mate Ted"
They were best mates mind, almost like brothers
But when Cliffy shouts "Giz a hand, pal. I'm freezing"
Ted says "You shouldn't have kicked off your covers"

And with that he staggered off, started singing again
Oblivious to poor Cliffy's plight
With three steps forward and two and a half back
Getting home was going to take him all night

When Geordie Nick turned up the next morning
Poor Cliffy was turning quite blue
Geordie sees him and shouts "Hey, move over,
There's needier cases than you"

He passed down the ladder and reached out a hand
Poor Cliffy could only just speak
He says "I know I've only been here eight hours,
But I feel like I've been here three weeks"

"That's as near to dying as I'd like to get"
Says Cliffy as he started to climb
"I know that you only die once in your life,
But it must last an awful long time!"