Gary Hogg
Just up the road from the Riveters' Arms
There was a hole sticking up in the street
So the man from the Cooncil had a look with his mate
And decided they'd best put it reet.

They put cones and red lights all aroond it
In case someone rode in on their bike
And they got a night-watchman to watch it
In case someone run off with it, like!

I was on me way home, one Wednesday night
And the poor bloke was sat on his tod
So I stopped and we had a bit natter
And I noticed he had this bit dog.

I was getting' mesel' warm at the brazier
'Cos we stood and we chatted a bit
His dog went in the hut and fetched out a stool
Blew the dust off and begged us to sit!

'That's a n'arf clivvor dog.' I says to the bloke
But he just sat there shaking his head
He says, 'Divvent be daft man, he's stupid,
He's brung the stool with the wobbly leg.'

Well I didn't mind that, and I give him a pat
And I sat there warming me toes
And the dog went ratchin' aboot in the hut
And come back with the bloke's dominoes!

I says, 'Aah, isn't he canny, now what's he brung?'
And the dog laid the doms on a tray
Then he shuffled them roond and picked up a hand
Then he nodded for us two to play.

'Oh divvent encourage him' the night-watchman says,
'He's not as clivvor as what he makes out,
He thinks he's dead bright but he's not worth a light,
Just this morning I beat him three-nowt!'

'You should see him play darts man, he's hopeless,
He get's slavver aall ower the flights,
And he counts up by barking, when he's doin' the markin,
He got us hoyed oot the pub Friday night.'

Just then the dog gans gets a shovel of coal
And give the brazier a bit of a poke
Then he washed oot some cups and poured oot some tea
I says, 'He's clivvor'... 'He's not!' said the bloke.

'He's been making my tea this last seven years,
You would think he'd be getting it right,
But I bet he's forgot and he's not warmed the pot,
I tell you man, he's not worth a light.'

So me and the dog had a few games of doms
I thought the way that the bloke taalked was shockin'
But mind he was reet the dog wasn't much cop
Cos every other game he was knockin'.

And I think he got sick 'cos he cleared away quick
Then he dropped a pack o' cards in me lap
But the night-watchman said 'No, Jacky. Let the lad go,
Put them buggers away man... yer crap!'

'He wants to play poker but he's wasting ‘is time,
The bugger just won't understand,
He can't help but fail, he keeps waggin his tail,
Every time he gets dealt a good hand.'

So the dog just went, 'Wuff' and sat in a huff
And picked up a novel instead
'Get away, you daft bat, don't know why you bought that,
You thought nowt of the film' the bloke said.

So I had to say summat, this bloke wasn't fair
I says, 'He looks pretty damn special to me.'
He says, 'No, he's not reet, he sometimes stops oot all neet,
And there's twice he's forgotten his key!'

There's no pleasing some folks, the grumpy owld sod
A clivvor dog like that's not to be scoffed
That poor little lad, with him for a dad?
I just bid him goodnight and set off.

Well the dog kept us company for part of the way
He says, 'It's allright. I'm needing a walk,'
He says, 'I'll just see you down past the graveyard.'
And I says, 'Flipping heck! This dog talks!'

The dog stopped in his tracks, looked us straight in the eye
Pinned us up against the cemetery wall
He says, 'Divvent say a word, divvent tell him you heard,
He'll have us answering the phone for him an' all'
The end