"He's been making my tea this last seven years,
You would think he'd be getting it right,
But I bet he's forgot and he's not warmed the pot,
I tell you man, he's not worth a light."

So me and the dog had a few games of doms
I thought the way that the bloke taalked was shockin'
But mind he was reet the dog wasn't much cop
Cos every other game he was knockin'.

And I think he got sick 'cos he cleared away quick
Then he dropped a pack o' cards in me lap
But the night-watchman said "No, Jacky. Let the lad go,
Put them buggers away man... yer crap!"

"He wants to play poker but he's wasting ‘is time,
The bugger just won't understand,
He can't help but fail, he keeps waggin his tail,
Every time he gets dealt a good hand."

So the dog just went, "Wuff" and sat in a huff
And picked up a novel instead
"Get away, you daft bat, don't know why you bought that,
You thought nowt of the film" the bloke said.

  So I had to say summat, this bloke wasn't fair
I says, "He looks pretty damn special to me."
He says, "No, he's not reet, he sometimes stops oot all neet,
And there's twice he's forgotten his key!"

There's no pleasing some folks, the grumpy owld sod
A clivvor dog like that's not to be scoffed
That poor little lad, with him for a dad?
I just bid him goodnight and set off.

Well the dog kept us company for part of the way
He says, "It's allright. I'm needing a walk,"
He says, "I'll just see you down past the graveyard."
And I says, "Flipping heck! This dog talks!"

The dog stopped in his tracks, looked us straight in the eye
Pinned us up against the cemetery wall
He says, "Divvent say a word, divvent tell him you heard,
He'll have us answering the phone for him an' all"

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