OH LITTLE TOWN OF DRIZZLETHORPE
Gary Hogg

There's a shop right next door to Drizzlethorpe Zoo
That's owned by a Mrs Trevithick
The sign 'bove the door just says 'General Store'
'Spose that's cos it sells nowt specific

I were in there one day buying upside-down nails
For fixing the ceiling in't lobby
I were stood in the queue looking round like you do
When in walks young Robbie, the Bobby

"'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. What's going on here?"
He addressed all us folks there assembled
And even though I were totally innocent like
I suddenly felt guilty and trembled

He says "Acting on information received from me box,
At the corner o'Canal path and t'cut,
I mounted me bicycle and proceeded here quick,
Cos I've heard there's strange doin's afoot"

"There's someone illegal that's alienating here,
So I'm sure that you'll all understand,
That I'll have to search t'premises, bottom to top,
And investigate owt underhand"
  It were then that he noticed crouched down behind t'till
Summat that din't quite look law-abiding
It were a dirty great polar bear eleven foot tall
With his head in a carrier bag, hidin'

Mrs Trevithick says "Oh" like nowt were amiss
"Oh, him? That's er, Snowy, me dog,
You can't be too careful, wi break-ins and such"
And the Bobby just stood there agog

He says "That there's the illegal alien, is that!"
"An Alien?" she says "Don't be daft,
Aliens are green wi' ten eyes and six lugs"
And at that all us punters just laughed

Well Robbie the Bobby got quite angry at that
And he scowled as he reached for his book
Then lickin' his pencil he started to write
As poor Snowy just stood there and shook

He came out from behind and just looked at his feet
Said "It's a fair cop, Guv. I don't want no trouble"
And the Bobby reached up and slapped on the cuffs
And he were marched down t't station at t'double
Now the Sergeant asked a right load of questions
As for mitigation poor Snowy appealed
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