OH, LITTLE TOWN OF DRIZZLETHORPE
by
Gary Hogg
There's a shop right next door to Drizzlethorpe Zoo
That's owned by a Mrs Trevithick
The sign 'bove the door just says 'General Store'
'Spose that's cos it sells nowt specific

I were in there one day buying upside-down nails
For fixing the ceiling in't lobby
I were stood in the queue looking round like you do
When in walks young Robbie, the Bobby

''Ello, 'ello, 'ello. What's going on here?'
He addressed all us folks there assembled
And even though I were totally innocent like
I suddenly felt guilty and trembled

He says 'Acting on information received from me box,
At the corner o'Canal path and t'cut,
I mounted me bicycle and proceeded here quick,
Cos I've heard there's strange doin's afoot'

'There's someone illegal that's alienating here,
So I'm sure that you'll all understand,
That I'll have to search t'premises, bottom to top,
And investigate owt underhand'

It were then that he noticed crouched down behind t'till
Summat that din't quite look law-abiding
It were a dirty great polar bear eleven foot tall
With his head in a carrier bag, hidin'

Mrs Trevithick says 'Oh' like nowt were amiss
'Oh, him? That's er, Snowy, me dog,
You can't be too careful, wi break-ins and such'
And the Bobby just stood there agog

He says 'That there's the illegal alien, is that!'
'An Alien?' she says 'Don't be daft,
Aliens are green wi' ten eyes and six lugs'
And at that all us punters just laughed

Well Robbie the Bobby got quite angry at that
And he scowled as he reached for his book
Then lickin' his pencil he started to write
As poor Snowy just stood there and shook

He came out from behind and just looked at his feet
Said 'It's a fair cop, Guv. I don't want no trouble'
And the Bobby reached up and slapped on the cuffs
And he were marched down t't station at t'double

Now the Sergeant asked a right load of questions
As for mitigation poor Snowy appealed
Sergeant sent for a brew and a Rich-Tea or two
As the whole carry-on were revealed

Now Snowy, by the way, were called Colin
And to the Sergeant he had a bit banter
He said, 'Right enough, I'm not from round here,
I'm from t'North pole just next door to Santa's'

'It were the night before Christmas there's a knock on me door,
And there stood a couple of elves,
They said Santa wants to know if you can come and help out?
I says me? But I'm ten foot twelve'

They'd said 'No, he doesn't want you for one of his elves,
He wants you to come guide the sleigh,
Poor Rudolph's in bed' 'That's not like him' Colin said
'Going muckin' up Santa's big day'

'It weren't him it were Olive, the other reindeer,
She were laughin' and calling him names,
There were a big fight broke out and she knocked him out,
For trying to join in wi' reindeer games'

So Colin the polar bear agreed right away
To help Santa out with his plight
And a few hours later he were heading the team
Of twelve reindeers as they up and took flight

He were a big lad were Colin, they got done double quick
'There's only a few left to do!'
Shouts Santa as they flew over Drizzlethorpe
It were then Colin noticed the Zoo

It were a sign saying 'Polar Bear' that first caught his eye
And a swimming pool, looked flippin' fantastic
There were even a good looking female sat there
On an iceberg that were made out of plastic

So he'd a quick word wi' Santa and said 'D'you mind,
If instead of going home, I stopped here?'
Santa just sniggered and said 'That were t'plan,
I got this letter and I had an idea'

'It were from that lassie sat sittin on th'iceberg,
She din't want a doll or a pup,
All she wanted were a boyfriend for Christmas,
And you're far too big to wrap up!'
The end