THE MONUMENTAL COCK-UP
by
Gary Hogg



Honest, God fearing folks were the Tuckers
With a craving for saintly protection
Dulcie handed out hymn books on Sundays
And Sid handed round the collection

They'd invested in the plot when Sid first retired
"It won't come in wrong" Dulcie said
"We'll order a headstone with cherubs and doves
To celebrate the lives we have led"

The celebration came quicker than Dulcie had planned
It came as a shock to poor Sid
She'd just popped into town for their pension
When the grim reaper did what he did

They were laying new tarmac on the High Street
With diggers and rollers and that
She stepped out from behind Dickman's pie van
And got rolled out herself, nice and flat

Now with all the arrangements that Sid had to make
He was pleased that they'd sorted the stone
All he needed now was the epitaph inscribed
So he got Chippy Scott on the phone

Now, Chippy Scott, the Monumental Mason
Took the epitaph down line by line
It was a right fitting verse Sid had chosen
And it ended with 'GOD SHE WAS THINE'

Chippy said "Aye Sid, I don't see a problem,
It'll just take a couple of days,
I've taken a lad on this morning,
I'll get him on, more or less, straight away"

The next couple of days were long ones for Sid
Getting used to him being alone
So he took the dog for a walk up the graveyard
To have a quick look at the stone

He struck a match so's to see the inscription
Took a swig from his hip flask of gin
It was a right fitting verse Sid had chosen
But it ended with 'GOD SHE WAS THIN'

He was on the phone to Chippy next morning at eight
Says "You know this 'GOD SHE WAS THINE' ?
Well your young apprentice has cocked it all up,
He's missed the 'E' off the last bloody line"

When you consider the nature of poor Dulcie's death
He couldn't apologise more
He says "I'll send him back up to re-do it,
As soon as he walks through that door"

Now the service was nice, not a long one
It was wet but there was still a few there
With heads bowed in sorrow at t'graveside
They solemnly gathered in prayer

Sid's tearfilled eyes strayed to the headstone
And thoughts of just what might've been
It was a right fitting verse Sid had chosen
But now it ended 'Eeeh, GOD SHE WAS THIN!'