TWELVE DAYS
by
Gary Hogg
Sid Brocklebank's got the junk shop down Bolingbroke Street
And there's nowt he hasn't got there, I'll bet
From ex-army teeth, to a side of corned beef
And owt he hasn't got he can get.

He was in his window one day putting stuff on display
And he noticed this well dressed looking chap
He weren't local, the bloke, stood there having a smoke
He wore a trilby instead of a cap

Sid gave 'im a nod and went back to his job
And thought no more about it, till when
The ding-dong thing on his door went ping
And there stood the bloke once again

He says, 'Is that a partridge you've got in the window?'
Sid says 'Aye, you're in luck, me last one,
It's yours for ten bob.' bloke says, 'Aye, just the job,
If you throw in that perch that it's on'

'That's no perch, isn't that' says our Sid with a snap
'That's a genuine pear tree stood there,
Tell you what, though' says Sid, 'Take them both for a quid'
'Okay!' says the bloke, 'That sounds fair'

'It's for the woman I love, don't suppose you keep doves?
A nice pair of white ones would do'
Sid says 'Are turtle ones all right? They're not really white,
They're more of a speckly hue'

'Smashin' he says, 'Now, what about hens?'
Sid says 'Hens?' He says 'Aye, she likes eggs'
'I've got French ones, there's three, and they're plump as can be,
They're just a bit short in the legs'

He says, 'Can they sing?' Sid says 'Sing? Hens don't sing,
They just squawk and drive everyone potty,
But I've four calling birds, sweetest singers you've heard,
They can sing like that bloke Pavarotti.'

Sid says, 'I've not heard of a lass liking birds,
Instead of daft jewellery and things'
The bloke says, 'That reminds me, thanks very much,
I'll have five of those shiny gold rings.'

He got his eyes on Sid's geese and says 'Giz half a dozen.'
Like as if they were going out of fashion
'Hows about seven swans?' 'Eeh your having us on,
I'll have them an' all' Sid says 'Smashing!'

Then he noticed the cows that Sid kept out the back
Sid says 'No, put your wallet away'
He says, 'I'm not going to sell, cos there's milkmaids as well,
I'd have to give them redundancy pay.'

He bought the milkmaids, the lot, he'd buy owt, like as not
So Sid thought that he'd just chance his arm...
And see how much more he could get him to spend
Well, being greedy doesn't do any harm

He says, 'Here's an idea that'll bring her some cheer
And one that might just make her day,
There's about nine Scottish pipers practising upstairs,
For a few beers, they might come round and play.'

The bloke shouted 'Hooray!', he said yes straight away
And his eyeballs lit up like a kid
He says, 'That would be swell, can you get dancers as well?
And I'll throw in another few quid!'

So he got him ten lasses from Miss Bollards dance classes
He says, 'Can you get us some male dancers too?'
So he booked him a dozen 'Lords-a-leaping'
But there was one of 'em down with the flu.

There was a drummers convention going on at Town Hall
And as soon as the bloke heard the racket
He says, 'Get onto Town Hall and book that lot an'all'
Sid says, 'What? It'll cost you a packet!'

He says, 'Money's no object but I think that's me lot
I don't want folks thinking I'm daft'
Sid says, 'Oh well, righto. You started it though'
And the bloke looked at Sid and just laughed.

He says, 'No, that's me lot, lets have a look what we've got,
Now I don't want to take them away,
I'd like them delivered to my girlfriends address,
But not all to arrive the same day.'

Sid wasn't too keen, he says, 'How d'you mean?'
He says, 'Send round the partridge tomorrow,
And the day after that, the two turtle doves,
Then the French hens the next, do you follow?'

'The day after that, there's the four calling birds,
And the rings on the following day,
Then the geese and the swans and whole carry-on...
'Sid says 'Whoa lad, hang on. There's no way'

'I mean, I'm really obliged for your order 'n' that,
Like anyone, I could do with the business,
But they'll stay on the shelf unless you take 'em yourself...
'Cos' I'm closed for twelve days over Christmas'
The end