"It's for the woman I love, don't suppose you keep doves?
A nice pair of white ones would do"
Sid says "Are turtle ones all right? They're not really white,
They're more of a speckly hue"

"Smashin" he says, "Now, what about hens?"
Sid says "Hens?" He says "Aye, she likes eggs"
"I've got French ones, there's three, and they're plump as can be,
They're just a bit short in the legs"

He says, "Can they sing?" Sid says "Sing? Hens don't sing,
They just squawk and drive everyone potty,
But I've four calling birds, sweetest singers you've heard,
They can sing like that bloke Pavarotti."

Sid says, "I've not heard of a lass liking birds,
Instead of daft jewellery and things"
The bloke says, "That reminds me, thanks very much,
I'll have five of those shiny gold rings."

  He got his eyes on Sid's geese and says "Giz half a dozen."
Like as if they were going out of fashion
"Hows about seven swans?" "Eeh your having us on,
I'll have them an' all" Sid says "Smashing!"

Then he noticed the cows that Sid kept out the back
Sid says "No, put your wallet away"
He says, "I'm not going to sell, cos there's milkmaids as well,
I'd have to give them redundancy pay."

He bought the milkmaids, the lot, he'd buy owt, like as not
So Sid thought that he'd just chance his arm...
And see how much more he could get him to spend
Well, being greedy doesn't do any harm

He says, "Here's an idea that'll bring her some cheer
And one that might just make her day,
There's about nine Scottish pipers practising upstairs,
For a few beers, they might come round and play."

The bloke shouted 'Hooray!', he said yes straight away
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