Gary Hogg
There's a farm up ower yon top side
That's all wheatfields and barley and that
It's got acres and acres of turnips
And it's owned by Lord Proglington-Matt

Now old Cecil Maughan was bringing in corn
Slap bang in the middle o'the crop
The corn was as high as an elephants eye
When his tractor suddenly spluttered and stopped

He'd had bother with his fuel pipe all morning
Kept coming off and driving him mad
But this time it come off, there was a dirty great whuff
And the whole bloody thing took a ha'ad

There was flames licking all round the paintwork
Burning petrol all ower the shop
And with a wind from the north blowin for all it was worth
It soon took a ha'ad to the crop

Now, Lord Proglington-Matt had just tied his cravat
And lifted the latch on his door
He was just leaving the house to bag a few grouse
Impervious to what the day had in store

Then his lungs filled wi' smoke and he started to choke
As he looked and saw what was gan' on
So he shouts to his maid 'Phone the Fire Brigade'
Which was daft, cos there isn't a one

Well, there isn't as such, but she looked at her watch
And phoned the Rivetter's to speak to her Dad
She says 'Tell the volunteers to put down their beers,
Lord Prog's bottom field's caught a ha'ad'

So her dad shouts for Joe to give the siren a blow
Thus alerting the rest of the crew
They all ran up the woods where the fire truck was stood
And had been since before World War Two

Now in charge of the mob was Benny the Gob
A fully-qualified hoover repairman
And second in command was the Kleeneze man
Who was also part-time Concert Chairman

They booled the truck down from the top of the hill
The engine spluttered and burst into life
And through a cloud of blue smoke, on jumped eight blokes
Two Girl Guides and the Minister's wife

They were a right motley crew but they'd just have to do
And with old Jessop ringing the bell
They flew out of the town trying not to slow down
Cos they needed a good run at the hill.

But when they reached the long drag up towards Stotty Crag
They all had to jump off and get pushing
Benny the gob wasn't chuffed cos they ran out of puff
And sat there pantin' and gaspin' and blushing

Inch by inch they reached the brow of the hill
Then they jumped back on board and held tight
And as it bombed down the slope they just had to hope
That the fire would still be alight

Now Mr Wallace the Polis had seen all the smoke
And had peddled ower there on his bike
He found Lord Prog and his dog just stood there agog
Never ever having seen nowt of the like

They heard the fire engine approaching
Tyres screeching as it rounded the turn
It didn't slow down it drove straight through the gate
And smacked the tractor right into the burn

It sent up such a splash that the field was awash
And it drownded out most of the blaze
There was just a bit trouble with a few bits of stubble
And Cecils pants which'd seen better days.

But that valiant crew knew just what to do
And they stamped and they beat at the flames
Minister's wife, Mrs Hardy, Beat them out with her cardy
While the lads grabbed the hose and took aim.

Now their big tank of watter, having took such a clatter
Decided to burst at the seams
It sent a dirty great shower o' watter all ower
And what was left of the fire turned to steam.

'That's just the job' says Benny the gob
Dick and Ted says 'Aye, Very nice,
Just as well I suppose, You seen the state of this hose?
It's full of holes on account of the mice'

Up goes a shout 'That's it, the fire's out'
Lord Proggy runs up, mind, was he chuffed
His face was aglow he shouts 'Bloody good show!
You chaps really do know your stuff'

'I'm going to make a donation of five hundred pounds'
And he wrote out a cheque there and then
And Benny the gob spluttered 'Aye,just the job'
Dick and Ted said 'Very nice' once again.

Benny yelps with delight 'We'll get flashing blue light,
And that engine's as flat as a fart,
And now the water tank's burst but first things come first,
We'll get them brakes bloody fixed for a start!'
The end