Gary Hogg
There was a jumble sale at Amblethwaite Scout Hut
Not last Sunday, Sunday before
And our Walter knew, he'd be first in the queue
He took a flask and camped out at the door

He woke up on the step the next morning
With damp trousers, stiff neck and back ache
He'd to make sure to get back his belongings
That their Mam gave away by mistake

He wasn't bothered about the Broons book or bike pump
Or his clothes or the rest of the clutter
It was his old woolly mitts, all holey and split
That were making him behave like a nutter

He paid the Scoutmaster ninepence to get the mitts back
He thought Walter was out of his head
Paying that for some raggy old mittens
But he'd've paid him ten bob if he'd said

You see the mitts had been knit by his Grandma
From an old Persian rug she'd unravelled
It was an ugly old matted-up eyesore
That Grandpa'd picked up on his travels

Nobody knew that the carpet was magic
He'd picked it up in some distant bazaar
When he was travelling the world with a circus
As a clown. Are you with me so far?

Now nobody knew of its powers or owt
And Grandpa himself is long gone
In fact we don't even know if he'd give it a go
If he had, well, he'd never let on

You see magic carpets are a tad temperamental
And you need to say 'Alacazam'
But if nobody told you, you'd likely not know
So it just sat on the floor at his Gran's

But its powers passed on to the mitts, wi' the wool
But still no one knew what was what
Until one day last March when young Walter
Put the mitts on to go to the shop

Cos Walter was an apprentice in the garage, you see
In the back lane behind the Co-op
And in keeping with motor-trade traditions
At dinner times got sent to the shop

Now one day his list got blown out of his hand
But don't worry - all the blokes still got fed
Cos he'd a dead good memory, had Walter
He could recite it off the top of his head

'Ray always has cheese and Duffy has egg,
And a bacon and brown sauce for Jimmy,
And Billy has Spam and Alec-has-ham'
'Course he'd said magic word. Are you wi' me?

I told you, 'Alacazam' was the mystical word
That would bring the magic carpet to life
Or at least it would have had it not been unravelled
To make mitts by some silly old wife

There was a funny sensation occurred in his mittens
Poor Walter was quite overcome
'This is the magic carpet but I'm not promising nowt'
Said a voice from a hole in the thumb

'Oh, Aye?' says young Walter, dubious like
Well, you would if your mitts started talking
It caused quite a stir to poor Walter stood there
And all the folks in the shop stood there gawkin'

'You are my master'said the voice from within
'Just say where you'd like me to fly,
Though it might be a bit tricky on account of me shape'
Said the mitts, 'But I'll give it a try'

'We could go to the Cup Final but that's not till May'
Says young Walter scratching his ear
'Cup Final? Fine, we can travel through time,
It's been dead boring this last fifty year'

So they soared off up over the roof tops
They were at Wembley in a couple of ticks
I'll not tell you who won 'case it spoils it
But he was happy that his team scored six

Now the mitts picked him up and brought him back home
To the garage where the lads were stood round
Saying 'Where the hell have you been for our sarnies?
And what you doing three foot off the ground?'

So Walter told them the tale of the mittens
And how he'd said the magic word in the shop
'So what was it you said, then?' - says Alec
'I'm buggered if I know. I forgot'

'It'll likely be abracadabra'
Said Ray who knew nowt about owt
And they spent the rest of the day on suggestions
But managed to come up with nowt

Though he'd been to Wembley and back in ten minutes
The ham went off during the flight
And poor Alec got food poisoning for his trouble
And had déjà vu with the sarnie that night

But Walter still hopes as he goes for their dinners
That one day he might get a repeat
But he's not likely to say 'Alacazam' any more
Alec's turned Veggie and give up on meat!

The end