Archibald, Certainly Not!
by
George Robey (1869 – 1954)
It's no use me denying facts, I'm henpecked, you can see!
'Twas on our wedding day my wife commenced to peck at me
The wedding breakfast over, I said, 'We'll start off today
Upon our honeymoon.'
Then she yelled, 'What! waste time that way?'
'Archibald, certainly not!
Get back to work at once, sir, like a shot.
When single you could waste time spooning
But lose work now for honeymooning!
'Archibald, certainly not!

I once strolled through a field, and there a mad bull came across.
It gamboll'd with me playfully and quickly won the toss!
Of course I sued the owner, and the day the case was fought,
The judge exclaimed when I said, 'Sir, let's have the bull in court!'
'Archibald, certainly not!
Just show what other evidence you've got!' 
But he cried when I said, ' Please forgo it... 
Because I must stand up to show it. 
'Archibald-certainly not'

A sportsman I have always been I've hunted with the hounds.
I've hunted, too, without them, and It's cost me many pounds.
I can't afford to hunt now that I'm married, but one day,
The wife remarked, when I asked her If cricket I could play,
'Archibald, certainly not!
About this cricket game I've read a lot.
Besides, last time you played at Dover,
I heard you bowled a maiden over! 
Archibald-certainly not!'

A lady named Miss Hewitt got on friendly terms with me.
She fell in love with me at once and then fell in the sea!
My wife came on the scene as I threw coat and vest aside ; 
As other garments I slipped off to save the girl, she cried,
'Archibald, certainly not !
Desist at once disrobing on the spot !
You may show your pluck and save Miss Hewitt,
But if you've got to strip to do it
Archibald-certainly not!'

At supper time last Sunday I was hungry as could be. 
A chicken on the table smelt most savoury to me! 
I longed for just a taster as I munched my jam and bread. 
At last I said, 'Can I have just the beak?' then my wife said,
'Archibald, certainly not!
You know that fowl for you was never got.
Eat chicken when to bed you're going!
Why, all night long I'd have you crowing! 
Archibald, certainly not!'
The end