George Robey (1869 – 1954)
Now old aunt Rebecca is rich;
She's the Dowager Duchess of Diddle. 
When she dies I inherit a million or so, 
But the old girl's as fit as a fiddle.
Whilst gunning the moors on the twelfth, 
In a quiet lonely spot by the sea,
I saw someone there by the cliff, I declare, 
'Twas the Dowager Duchess of D!
At that critical moment some birds came in sight, 
So I upped with my gun and I blazed left and right; 
And I nearly hit auntie! Yes-nearly, not quite! 
And bang went the chance of a lifetime. 

Returning one night from a ball,
In a mellowish mood and reflective,
I saw a strange light in a bank-I said, 'Ha!
I'll play Sherlock Holmes the detective.'
A half-open window I spied,
And inside I proceeded to slip;
There a burglar I saw forcing wide the safe door,
So I held him in muscular grip!
But he slipped and he bunked, he was wiry and thin; 
And the safe was wide open and slap full of 'tin'!
I drew a deep breath-then two coppers rushed in! 
And bang went the chance of a lifetime.

Now the wife and her mother last June, 
Went to stay with the Marquis de Caxey.
They needed to catch an early train
So I saw them safe off in a taxi.
At somewhere about ten o'clock 
Came a telegram, Heavens alive! 
Poor dear Ma and the wife! Fearful smash! Loss of life! 
Total wreck of the eight-forty-five!
'Twas a terrible crash, eighty passengers slain! 
And I manfully struggled my tears to restrain, 
When the ghastly news reached me... they'd both missed the train! 
And bang went the chance of a lifetime! (Sobs)

Once I courted a sweet winsome wench 
She was nineteen and also an heiress, 
(It's nice when a girl is a Venus galore 
And also a millionairess!)
I wooed her, I wooed, I won 
'My darling,' she said, 'I am thine!'
She swore she'd be true 
So I thought I would too;
What do you think? I thought it was fine!
My sweet Hyacinth, fairest of flowers that blow! 
(With a millionaire Pa in Chicago, what ho!)
So I put up the banns, then the wife got to know, 
And bang went the chance of a lifetime.
The end