Greatrex Newman and Graham Squiers
A short time ago at a friend's house, I was introduced to a very languid individual with an immaculate dress suit and an eye-glass. His hair was brushed back over his head, evidently to indicate where the brains would have been if he'd had any. He managed to drawl out to me his adventure, which was quite worth hearing, so I had it set to rhyme and will give it you, just as I had to put up with it.
I'm going to welate an adventure,
That will cause you to gasp for bweath, 
Of how my noble young life was saved,
And snatched fwom the jaws of death.

I'd gone down to Wamsgate last Summer,
To take a short west by the sea,
But after I'd stayed there a few weeks or more,
I found it was too dull for me.

My doctah said, "Twy exercising,
Just work if you find the time lag,"
So then I twied wolling my own cigawettes
But that was too much beastly fag.

One morning I got up quite early,
About half past ten it would be,
So I picked up some books and a papah or so,
To wead as I sat by the sea.

The tide was far out in the distance,
So I walked for some yards on the shore, 
To a kind of wock or a boulder,
Quite seven feet high, or p'waps more.

The weather was weally quite decent,
As I lay on that wock all alone, 
And glanced at the news in the papah,
While bweathing the bwacing ozone.

I finished the page I was weading,
Looked wound me, and to my surpwise
Oh! howwors!... a tewwible sight met my gaze,
I could scarcely believe my own eyes.

Perspiwation stood out on my forehead
Like beastly big beads on my bwow, 
I saw I had weally to battle with death,
And must save myself,... ah! but how?

Was I in my youth then to pewish?
This awful thought flashed through my mind, 
For the tide had come in and surwounded
The wock upon which I weclined!

I looked all awound for assistance,
But no one to help me was nigh, 
And I wealized then that all Wamsgate
Had left me alone there,... to die!

I shouted in vain for the lifeboat,
The waves dwowned my voice in their woar,
And yet I could see in the distance 
The vulgar herds safe on the shore.

I howled out one huge yell of anguish,
And then came the worst of my shocks...
For I had to paddle quite twenty-five yards,
And spoilt a two-bob pair of socks!
The end