THE BIG TALE OF HOO-FLUNG-MUD
by
Greatrex Newman (1981)

'Tis a Tale they tell in Shanghai,
At the Sign of the Scented Skunk;
'Tis a Tale they tell
Of a deed of hell,
In the wilds of Clapham Junc.
At the House of a Hundred Hiccoughs,
By the Gate of the Gilded Ghouls;
In a robe of blue
Sat Wun Lung Too,
At work on his Football Pools.
He'd a daughter named Chili Bom Bom,
Of pedigree Chinese blood;
And Wun Lung said
The girl must wed
The Mandarin Hoo Flung Mud.
But the laughing Chili Bom Bom
Had a secret boy-friend, Ben;
An affair discreet
(Told round the Fleet)
With Midshipman Brown, R.N.
They'd planned to elope together,
For they made an ideal match;
They'd hoped to bunk
  On a Chinese junk,
Or hijack a yachtman's yatch.
'Tis a Tale they tell in Hong Kong,
At the Sign of the Unwashed Neck;
'Tis a yarn they spin
With a fiendish grin
In the Tea-House of Tooting Bec.
This night was the Feast of the Fowl-Pest,
At the Banquet of Bluest Blood;
And Wun Lung brought
His Bom Bom daught.,
And with her came Hoo Flung Mud.
They sat at the Tip-Top table,
According to pride of place;
And chopstick Chinks
Stood Wun Lung drinks,
And Hoo Flung Mud said grace.
Then crash went a window behind them,
And showing remarkable nerve -
Young sailor Brown
From the roof jumped down,
Right into a dish of hors d'oeuvre.
His strong arms seized his Bom Born,
And carried her out, alone;
He was, by gad,
Some hefty lad,
For she weighed nearly sixteen stone.
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