A SELECTION OF
RUTHLESS RHYMES
by
Harry Graham
Harry Graham
CONSOLATION

I sliced a brassy-shot at Rye,
And killed a luckless passer-by.
The ball rebounded off his head
And, landing on the green, lay dead.
His widow it must much console
To know 'twas thus I won the hole.

PRESENCE OF MIND

When, with my little daughter Blanche,
I climbed the Alps, last summer,
I saw a dreadful avalanche
About to overcome her;
And, as it swept her down the slope,
I vaguely wondered whether
I should be wise to cut the rope
That held us twain together.

I must confess I'm glad I did,
But still I miss the child — poor kid!

DISCIPLINE

To Percival, my youngest son,
Who cut his sister's throat, for fun,
I said: "Now, Percy! Manners, please!
You really mustn't be a tease!
I shall refuse, another time,
To take you to the Pantomime!"

CARELESSNESS

A window-cleaner in our street
Who fell (five storeys) at my feet
Impaled himself on my umbrella.
I said: "Come, come, you careless fella!
If my umbrella had been shut
You might have landed on my nut!"

QUITE FUN

My son Augustus, in the street, one day,
Was feeling quite exceptionally merry.
A stranger asked him: "Can you show me, pray,
The quickest way to Brompton Cemetery?"
"The quickest way? You bet I can!" said Gus,
And pushed the fellow underneath a bus.
Whatever people say about my son,
He does enjoy his little bit of fun.

INDIFFERENCE

When Grandmamma fell off the boat,
And couldn't swim (and wouldn't float),
Matilda just stood by and smiled.
I almost could have slapped the child.

BULL'S-EYE

At rifle-practice on the sands at Deal,
I fired at what I took to be a seal.
When later on I learnt 'twas sister Florrie
And that I'd shot her, I was very sorry.
But still it gratified me just a trifle
To find myself so expert with a rifle,
For, with so large a target as my sister,
I should have been a duffer if I'd missed her.

OBSTINANCY

I Warned poor Mary of her fate,
But she would wed a plumber's mate!
For hours the choir was forced to sing
While he went back to fetch the ring.

PROVIDENCE
Fate moves in a mysterious way,
As shown by Uncle Titus,
Who unexpectedly, one day,
Was stricken with St. Vitus.
It proved a blessing in disguise,
For, thanks to his condition,
He won the Non-Stop Dancing Prize
At Wembley Exhibition.

L' ENFANT GLACE
When Baby's cries grew hard to bear
I popped him in the Frigidaire.
I never would have done so if
I'd known that he'd be frozen stiff.
My wife said: "George, I'm so unhappe!
Our darling's now completely frappe."

WINTER SPORTS
The ice upon our pond's so thin
That poor Mamma has fallen in!
We cannot reach her from the shore
Until the surface freezes more.
Ah me, my heart grows weary waiting
Besides, I want to have some skating.

Harry Graham

INDIFFERENCE

When Grandmamma fell off the boat,
And couldn't swim (and wouldn't float),
Matilda just stood by and smiled.
I almost could have slapped the child.

PROVIDENCE

Fate moves in a mysterious way,
As shown by Uncle Titus,
Who unexpectedly, one day,
Was stricken with St. Vitus.
It proved a blessing in disguise,
For, thanks to his condition,
He won the Non-Stop Dancing Prize
At Wembley Exhibition.

OBSTINANCY

I Warned poor Mary of her fate,
But she would wed a plumber's mate!
For hours the choir was forced to sing
While he went back to fetch the ring.

L' ENFANT GLACE

When Baby's cries grew hard to bear
I popped him in the Frigidaire.
I never would have done so if
I'd known that he'd be frozen stiff.
My wife said: "George, I'm so unhappe!
Our darling's now completely frappe."

BULL'S-EYE

At rifle-practice on the sands at Deal,
I fired at what I took to be a seal.
When later on I learnt 'twas sister Florrie
And that I'd shot her, I was very sorry.
But still it gratified me just a trifle
To find myself so expert with a rifle,
For, with so large a target as my sister,
I should have been a duffer if I'd missed her.
The end