Claude and His Sword
by
Jack Warner
Now my cousin Claude was a second Lieutenant,
'E was really a good'n', at that.
But 'e got so much praise for 'is smartness on duty,
'Is 'ead got to big for 'is 'at.

When the General 'eard of 'im, 'e said, 'Let me see,',
An' 'e screwed up 'is dial in a frown,
I think I'll be free about next Tuesday week,
So 'e sends Claude a wire, 'Coming down.'

When Claude got the wire, 'e wasn't 'alf pleased,
An' 'e jigs like a jester, with bells,
So 'e sez to 'is soldiers, 'Now polish those cannons
And make nice, tidy 'eaps with the shells.'

Well, the great day comes round and the General arrives,
And the troops with excitement did seethe,
But as Claude stepped forward to give the salute,
'Is sword sticks 'alfway in it's sheathe.

'Oh! I can't get it out.' says poor Claude, lookin' glum,
'An' I can't get it back, it's got stuck.'
Of course, this would happen, today of all days,
I could cry for my aunty, what luck!

Well, the General's face was all colours, by now,
Someone whistled 'Deep Purple' for luck,
Sez the General, 'What's wrong?', Claude sez, 'Use yer eyes,
Can't you see it's my sword, it's got stuck!'

Well, the men on parade, they all started to yawn,
While the General stoodd tappin' 'is boot,
But as Claude struggled 'ard, as they say on the films,
That sword it 'ad sure taken root.

An' the General said, 'Well, if you can't get it out,
There don't seem much use in my stoppin'.
If it's okay with you, I'll be back, Friday sharp,
If you'll bring me, my 'orse, I'll be 'oppin'.

So, poor Claude walks away looking sad and forlorn,
But returns very soon looking more-so,
The effort and time, to get out 'is sword,
'Ad played 'avoc with most of 'is torso.

Then Claude said, 'Excuse me, but regarding your 'orse,
Yells the General, 'Well?' Claude said, 'Don't shout!'
'E's ate too many oats an' got stuck in 'is stall,
Like my sword, sir, I can't get it out!' 
The end