The Drum Major
by
Jack Warner
'Ere... I've told you before about Claude and 'is sword
And also of Frank and 'is tank
Well, I'll tell you tonight of my cousin, Alf
Who was rather a bit of a swank. 

Now you've all seen the 'Redsmen' out on the march
When they're swinging along smart and slick
You may also 'ave noticed, in front of the band
A bloke doing tricks with a stick. 

It's an outsize-ed walking stick painted all gold
And 'e has it for leading the band
Then all of a sudden, he'll throw it up 'igh
Then catch it... with luck, in 'is 'and. 

Well, my cousin, Alf was one of these blokes
And the smartest you'd ever 'ave seen
He practised at first with a pail on 'is 'ead,
'Cos 'e might miss it... see what I mean? 

Well, the first time 'e went for a walk with the band
The Colonel kicked up such a fuss
'Cos Alf threw 'is stick up a wee bit too 'ard
And it landed on top of a bus. 

The conductor was taking his fares at the time
He said, 'Blimey, it's draughty up 'ere!'
But it was only a breeze caused by Alfred's gold stick
As it caught 'im one, right on the ear. 

Well Alf got 'is stick back and they walked off again
They were goin' for quite a long march
And Alf threw 'is stick a bit 'igher this time
And it landed on top of a arch. 

Now, the Colonel said, 'Listen, how many more times
Will that thing stop up in the air?
Don't throw it so high... but if you feel you must
Chuck it up when there's nothing up there.

Then Alf said, 'I'm sorry, Sir, just one more chance.'
As the General returned 'is gold staff
Said the Colonel, 'Okay... but be careful mind you
Your band is all starting to laugh!

Well they started once more and they got to the park
And Alf gave 'is gold stick a twiddle
But it slipped once again and flew out of 'is 'and
And hit the Colonel... right smack in the middle.

The Colonel 'ad 'ad some boiled rabbit for lunch
With a nice little bit of boiled pork
But when a 'eavy gold stick starts to butt in, as well
It's enough to make anyone talk. 

So the Colonel, 'e 'ad to go 'ome on a stretcher
And he said to Alf, 'Follow me back...
And for goodness sake don't throw that stick up again
You'll fetch someone a real nasty crack!' 

But Alf thought, 'I must try it... just once again
I'll get it right now, without doubt.'
'E only flung it two yards but 'e missed it once more
And it come down and knocked 'im... right out! 

So if you ever you see a Drum Major with band
Think of Alfred and give a slight bow
'Cos 'e don't twiddle any gold sticks anymore
Oh no, 'e just plays the triangle... and how! 
The end