FUNNY OCCUPATION - ONE
written & performed by
Jack Warner

A FUMPER AND A FLATTENER OF FEVVERS
Jack Warner
Now a man I know a very funny kind of job enjoys
It's really making shuttlecocks and other feathered toys
His job's to bend the feathers so they stick a certain way
And this is what he told me when I saw him yesterday.

He's a fumper and a flattener of fevvers
He's a fevver fumper that's the job 'e's at,
'Cos when a fevver furls up and when a fevver curls up
The fevver fumper fumps the fevver flat.

Now the fevver fumper feeds the fevver fixer
And the fixer fixes fevvers that 'e's dumped
But the curled ones he refuses, so the fevvers that 'e uses 
Are the fevvers that the fevver fumper's fumped.
A CASTER UP OF ALABASTER PLASTER
Now there's a plaster molders yard about a mile from here
Where my old Uncle Teddy has a job that may sound queer
It really is quite different to what other people do
But it really is a clever job, I'm not kidding you.

 'Cos 'e's a caster up of alabaster plaster
He's an alabaster plaster caster, see
And 'e doesn't mix with water common powder into mortar
For an alabaster plasterer is 'e.

Now if 'e were merely mixing for cementing
'E would stir it in a mixer, as of old
But to prove he's caster master, casts 'is plaster alabaster
In an alabaster plaster caster's mould.
A BUNGER-UP O' RAT-'OLES
Jack Warner
Now I reely ought ta tell yer, abart the job I've got.
To look at me you wouldn't think it true.
Now I don't look like a feller who 'as to be 'ard 'arted; 
Well I'm not... but this is what I have ter do.

I'm a bloke wot bungs up rat-'oles, I am reely,
I'm a rat-'ole bunger upper too and all.
And when I speak of rat-'oles I don't mean babies rattles,
I mean 'oles wot's bored by rats right thru' the wall. 

Now I've 'ad and 'eard some narrow squeaks in my time,
Though I don't look brave or very fond of strife 
Still, all the time there's rat-'oles, there'll be bungers-up of rat-'oles,
So it looks as though I've got a job for life!
A TURKISH BATH ATTENDANT
I'm a body basher workin' at the Turkish bath
And body Bashin's really my delight
I bang their kidney's and their liver, 'til their torsoes fairly quiver
And they shout as if I'm putting out their light. (lite) 

For a uniform I sport a towel and plimsoles
'Cos the plimsoles stop me slippin' on the wet
And when I slap 'em with me towel... they let out 'owl after 'owl
But it's the finest exercise that you can get. 
'Actually I started life in a baker's shop kneadin' dough... but as time went on, the more dough I kneaded the less dough I got... and as I kneaded more dough for money, I chucked up kneadin' dough to earn more dough kneadin' human bodies that really needed kneadin' and had the dough to spend on kneadin' if necessary... Of course, you must remember that absent-mindedness in this business is unforgivable... and risky, as for instance, the man working on the hopposite slab to me. He used to work in a fishmongers shop, and one day he shoved a customer's 'ead between 'is legs like a whiting and 'ad 'im half wrapped up in a newspaper before 'e realised that 'e wasn't back at 'is old job! So if ever you're goin' to 'ave a turkish bath, keep your 'ead up and your 'eels together... and this advice comes to you from...
A scrubber down of human frames and torsoes
A torso slapper with a real jujitsu grab
Whether dustman, Duke or devil, they're all on the self same level
When they're laying there before me on the slab. 

Now, one day I may go in for hosteopathy
That's putting bones back in the place where they belong
But until I'm qualified, I'll just be satisfied
In helping people lose their hong, bong, pong! 

'I don't know what that means... but thank you one an' all.' 
THE CHAP WHO CHOPS THE CHILLIS
Now if you'd lived in days gone by, alongside Ruddy Tower 
They'd give you work a-chopping nobs, and pay you by the hour 
But strange to say it's changed today, the nobs all keep their nobs 
But Charlie, who likes chopping, has now found the best of jobs: 

He's the chap who chops the chillis for the chutney 
He's the chutney chilli chopper's choice for champ 
For he chops them without stopping 
Though it's warm work, chilli chopping 
And he chances catching chilli choppers' cramp. 
Now the day our Charlie wed his Cousin Cora, 
Cor! the breakfast was a banquet seldom viewed, 
For on every polished platter 
Was a pile of spuds and batter 
And a chunk of Charlie's Chutney to be chewed.
The end