A POKER IN O' PEAS FOR P'LICEMEN'S WHISTLES
by
Jack Warner






There is one occupation which I think is simply grand
And that's to help in keeping law and order in the land -
A man I know has found a job - it's strenuous and hard -
His business keeps him well in touch with good old Scotland Yard:

He's a poker-in o' peas for p'licemen's whistles,
A pea whistle poker-inner for P.C.'s.
If he poked in a tomato It wouldn't sound vibrato -
More a cross between a trombone and a sneeze.
Now if coppers blow too loud and blow their peas out
To the poker-in o' peas they quickly pop
'Cos the Sergeant he would bristle
If their whistles didn't whistle
For with no whistle they're just not a proper cop.

A SLAPPER-UP O' SHAPELESS SLOPPY SLIPPERS
by
Jack Warner

I know a chap who's working where they're making boots and shoes
But these untidy affairs are seldom fit to use,
They turn out shapeless slippers, with soles of so-called crepe,
But my pal wields a weapon which can slap them into shape:

He's a slapper-up o' shapeless, sloppy slippers.
He's a sloppy slipper-slapper, now you know.
For a slipper don't want tapping,
It wants severely slapping
To shift it to the shape it ought to go,
Now it's soppy to be wearing sloppy slippers,
For they slip and slop about and look a sight,
So to make them neat and dapper
They engage a slipper-slapper
And the sloppy slipper-slapper puts them right.

A FLY EXTERMINATOR AT THE FISH SHOP
by
Jack Warner



Now there's a fine fishmonger's at the corner of our street
And working there's the nicest chap you'd ever wish to meet.
He's got a most peculiar job, he's at it every day,
He just stands there and flicks a thing to keep the flies away:

He's a fly exterminator at the fish shops,
He's a big blue-bottle buster, now you know.
They get flies from every nation
And they fly in flight formation
And make a perfect landing on the roe.
Now in a fish shop things look very fishy
When the flies feed off the fish before your eyes..
So the big blue-bottle buster
Bangs a kind o' knuckle duster
And hits the fish and squashes all the flies.

A DO'ER-UP O' DIRTY, DAMAGED DOOR-KNOBS
by
Jack Warner

Now when your trade has slackened and you've got no work to do
You have to try and think out something else to pull you through
And a pal of mine who lost his job got quite a big idea
I'll tell you what he does to earn his "bacca", grub and beer:

He's a do'er up o' dirty, damaged door-knobs.
He's a dirty door-knob do'er-upper now.
His daily routes selected
Where the door-knobs seem neglected
And he scratches and he scrapes them clean somehow.
Now, a door-knob should look nice and ornamented
When it's polished it's a proper pretty sight,
But a posh door looks a poor job
If it's got a dirty door-knob,
So the door-knob do'er-upper puts it right.

A RUBBER-UP AND ROUNDER-OFF O' RISSOLES
by
Jack Warner

Now, of all the stupid jobs, well, you know I know a few
And I know a chap who's really got a funny job to do.
He's working in a kitchen, he's of great importance there
'Cos he renovates the rissoles that have got the worse for wear:

He's a rubber-up and rounder-off o' rissoles'
He's a rissole rubber-upper, get that plain,
For a rissole's like a lady
When her looks are getting shady
A little make-up makes them new again.
Now a rissole when it's old looks kind of nasty
But it doesn't when he serves it up to you
'Cos when on your plate you find it
With some parsley tucked behind it
The blinking rissole looks as good as new.