Jack Warner
I'm a funny kind o' fella, in a funny kind o' way 
I don't mean laughing funny… I mean 'peculiar', as they say. 
I'm what my friends an' relatives call, 'rather weak inside', 
An' although I know I've gotta eat, some foods I can't abide. 
I 'ad some jam on kippers once and 'ad t' go t' bed 
And when the doctor, 'e came round… what do y' think 'e said? 

Well, 'You didn' orta a ett it!' that's what the doctor said, 
'I didn' orta a ett it.' I answered from my bed. 
He said, 'You do that again, young man, an' I'm sure you will regret it…
Eatin' jam on kippers, no… you didn' orta a ett it!'

Now I'm very fond of animals and I once went to the zoo 
I like to study animals when I've nothin' much t' do, 
Well, I 'ad some sandwiches with me, made of pepper, sauce and chutney, 
My Auntie makes them up for me… she's got a pub up Putney.
Well, I thought as I was tastin' one, it seemed a little odd, 
When an elephant stretched out 'is trunk and scoffed the bloomin' lot. 

Well, 'e didn' orta a ett it, and you should o' seen 'im bunk! 
No, 'e 'e didn' orta a ett it, there were sparks all round 'is trunk. 
The keeper said, 'Give me a bite… I've gotta go an' get it!' 
I said, 'Taste it first then you'll find out, why 'e didn' orta a ett it!'

'Ere!… I once went to the derby, to see the 'orses run, 
And there I saw a fairground and I thought I'd 'ave some fun…
I saw some freaks and waxworks and acrobats on boards 
And a little bloke in coloured tights, 'e said 'e swallowed swords. 
Well, I 'ad a friend o' mine with me, a bloke they call 'Jim Mullet' 
He said, 'I do that!' and grabbed a sword and shoved it down 'is gullet.

Well, 'e didn' orta a ett it and the bloke didn' 'alf get mad. 
He said, ''E didn' orta a ett it, it's the only sword I 'ad!' 
I said, 'Well if you want it back, I'm afraid you'll never get it, 
'Cos it didn' 'ave an 'andle on… an' 'e didn' orta a ett it. 
The end