I DIDN'T ORTA A ETT IT!
by
Jack Warner



I'm a funny kind o' fella, in a funny kind o' way
I don't mean laughing funny… I mean 'peculiar', as they say.
I'm what my friends an' relatives call, 'rather weak inside',
An' although I know I've gotta eat, some foods I can't abide.
I 'ad some jam on kippers once and 'ad t' go t' bed
And when the doctor, 'e came round… what do y' think 'e said?

Well, "You didn' orta a ett it!" that's what the doctor said,
"I didn' orta a ett it." I answered from my bed.
He said, "You do that again, young man, an' I'm sure you will regret it…
Eatin' jam on kippers, no… you didn' orta a ett it!"

Now I'm very fond of animals and I once went to the zoo
I like to study animals when I've nothin' much t' do,
Well, I 'ad some sandwiches with me, made of pepper, sauce and chutney,
My Auntie makes them up for me… she's got a pub up Putney.
Well, I thought as I was tastin' one, it seemed a little odd,
When an elephant stretched out 'is trunk and scoffed the bloomin' lot.

Well, 'e didn' orta a ett it, and you should o' seen 'im bunk!
No, 'e 'e didn' orta a ett it, there were sparks all round 'is trunk.
The keeper said, "Give me a bite… I've gotta go an' get it!"
I said, "Taste it first then you'll find out, why 'e didn' orta a ett it!"

'Ere!… I once went to the derby, to see the 'orses run,
And there I saw a fairground and I thought I'd 'ave some fun…
I saw some freaks and waxworks and acrobats on boards
And a little bloke in coloured tights, 'e said 'e swallowed swords.
Well, I 'ad a friend o' mine with me, a bloke they call 'Jim Mullet'
He said, "I do that!" and grabbed a sword and shoved it down 'is gullet.

Well, 'e didn' orta a ett it, and the bloke didn' 'alf get mad.
He said, "'E didn' orta a ett it, it's the only sword I 'ad!"
I said, "Well if you want it back, I'm afraid you'll never get it,
'Cos it didn' 'ave an 'andle on… an' 'e didn' orta a ett it.