The Mascot
written & performed by
Jack Warner
Now, you've all 'eard of mascots on motors and bikes,
And mascots for wishing one well.
And I suppose there are mascots all over the world,
Of which we 'ave never 'eard tell.

But my little story this morning, today,
And I'm not going to get sentimental,
Is all about mascots to do with the army,
To be blunt, re: mascots... regimental.

Now you know that the army has all kinds of pets,
Well, 'ere's one that might make you laugh.
It wasn't a goat... and it wasn't a dog,
Go on, guess what it was... a giraffe!

It was in the zoo, 'til the keeper, called 'Arold,
'Ad to join up... you'd 'ardly believe it.
An' 'e'd got so attached to that there giraffe...
'E thought, ' Well... I can't very well leave it.'

When 'e got to the barracks, the sergeant said, ' Oi!!!,
You can't bring that thing in 'ere!'
Then 'Arold says, 'Well... if I can't bring 'im in,
I shan't come in myself... is that clear?'

Sergeant said, 'Yes you will!'
'Arold said, 'No I won't!'
Said the sergeant, 'This lark's got to stop!...
You can't keep it 'ere!'
'Arold said, 'Yes I can... I've got a tent with a 'ole in the top!'

I must tell you now that the regiment was Scottish,
Wearin' scotch 'ats at rather a tilt.
And while the sergeant was tickin' off 'Arold,
The giraffe started nibblin' 'is kilt!

Well, the Colonel was just walking by at this time,
And 'e suddenly went very white.
'E saw the giraffe and the Sergeant and 'Arold,
And said, Blimey!... where was I, last night?!!!'

And the Sergeant, who thought 'e should make some excuse,
Said, 'This animal, sir, I 'ave 'ired.
So the pipers' can 'ang their bagpipes on 'is back,
When they're out on the march... and get tired.'

And the Colonel 'e got, just a little sarcastic,
'E was really quite brusque, you could tell.
'And what does it do besides carrying the bagpipes?'
'Arold says, 'You can ride 'im, as well!'

Well, they all got together and talked it all over,
And they all agreed not to be harsh.
And the giraffe 'ad a small bit of kilt round it's mouth,
That looked like a tartan moustache.

When at last, they got in, 'Arold said, 'Where's the ladder?'
And it may make this story sound tall.
Said the Colonel, 'A ladder?...'
'Arold says, 'Yes, of course...
That's for cleaning 'is teeth, sir... that's all!'
The end