My Brother in the Lifeguards
written & performed by
Jack Warner
'Ere... you can talk about the Air Force
In their blue and red machines
You can talk about the Navy
And the Army and Marines.
And I know they're worth the glory 
That's showered on 'em too
And I know they do it properly
When they've got a job to do
But I've got a special 'ero
And I bet you can't guess who
Well I'll tell you... 
It's me brother in the Life Guards.

And he don't 'alf look a dandy
When he's sittin' on 'is 'orse
You see, the Life Guards they aren't mechanised
So he's got an 'orse of course.
And underneath the 'orses saddle
There's a kind of sheepskin rug
And he sits up there all stiff and straight
And 'e don't 'alf look smug.
And 'is 'elmet comes so low in front
You can 'ardly see 'is mug 
He looks a scream, he do...
My brother in the Life Guards.

His christian name is Sidney,
And 'e ain't 'alf a Sid
And he ran away to join the Life Guards,
No straight... he really did!
And he's really very comical
He's full of fun and charm
If there's any funny pranks about
You can bet Sid's there... not 'alf.
'Ere, and when he comes on leave on Sundays,
Cor!... he don't half make us larf
He do though, straight he do
My brother in the Life Guards.

He rides a mare called Edna
Now there's a funny name
And she's all jet black, all over...
And she's sweet and nice and tame.
And 'e curry combs and brushes 'er
Well, more times than enough
And 'e feeds 'er sweets and carrots
And all that kinda stuff.
I think he'd take 'er to the pictures
If the seats was big enough!
He would you know, straight up he would,
My brother in the Life Guards.

He said he didn't 'alf feel nervous
The first time on sentry, though.
It was in that street they call 'White Hall'
In them 'orse 'utches... well, you know.
And I 'spect you do feel jumpy
The first time on guard, I suppose
And Edna, she wasn't used to 'im
She kept 'oppin' on 'er toes.
And then she jerked the reins so much
His 'elmet cut 'is nose...
'E didn't like that much,
My brother in the Life Guards.

When he came off guard the sergeant says,
'Where'd you get that bleedin' nose
And Sid, see... he wouldn't let Edna down.
Said, 'Well, I banged it... I suppose!'
Said the sergeant, 'Sidney Ringrose...
You're really very slack!
There's a remedy for that complaint
A good old fashioned knack.'
Well, 'ow could 'e take 'is breastplate off
And shove it down 'is back,
He's no contortionist,
My brother in the Life Guards.

Well, I think I've told you quite enough
About my brother, Sid.
I could go on talking all day long
But you'd get fed up if I did.
Only, if you ever go down White Hall
Or you've got some time to spare,
And you see two blokes on 'orseback
On the right... from Trafalgar Square
And one of 'em's got a shiny nose
And 'e's on a jet black mare,
Well, that's Edna...
And my brother in the Life Guards.
The end