If I'd Only Put An 'X' Instead of '1'
by
Jack Warner
Now it's very, very difficult for working blokes like me
What ain't been educated at posh schools
To make a bit o' dough, unless they 'as a go
At that institution what they call the pools.

Now I've done mine each week regular, with exxes, twos and ones, 
'Cos' after all you never know your luck
Well, I thought I'd got 'em licked, 'cos' last week I nearly clicked
But I'll tell you 'ow it was I came unstuck. 

If I'd only put an 'x' instead of '1'
I'd be richer by ten thousand quid or more
Yeh, I could have bought a car and some nylons for me Ma
Or lots of things that I've been saving for.

To be so near and yet so far , it don't 'alf seem a pity
If only Crystal Palace could 'ave drawn with Norwich City
And if Everton 'ad lost at 'ome, then I'd be sitting pretty
If I'd only put an 'x' instead of '1'. 

Yeh, I've done my coupons every week for ten whole years or more
And not a blinkin' sausage 'ave I won
'Til the missus said, 'Now Joe, why not let me 'ave a go...
'Cos' I couldn't do no worse than what you've done.' 

'What!... let you 'ave a go?' I said, 'you 'aven't studied form
you don't even know what league the teams are in!'
She said, 'I don't care a jot... but I mean to 'ave a shot
If I 'ave to pick the winners with a pin.'

And she goes and puts some twos and then a one
All 'ap'azard like and contrary to form
She puts Tottenham to win and then she tells me with a grin
'They must be good 'cos' that's were Dad was born!'

Well, after a remark like that I should 'ave just ignored 'er
But when she said, ''Ave you a stamp, I really could o' floored 'er
And on top o' that I 'ad to buy the blinkin' postal order
And she's been and put an 'x' instead of '1'.

Well, I put the coupon in the post like what I always do
'Til Saturday I didn't give a thought
Then a quarter after six before we went off to the flicks
I switches on the wireless for the sport. 

The announcer bloke is saying, 'League division one...'
So I grabs the pencil and 'The Evening Mail'
Then I checks up on the score, like I've always done before
Then I comes all over queer and goes quite pale. 

'Cos', although she put an 'x' insted of '1'
My old Gal 'ad done what I could never do
With a method calm an' cool, she been and scooped the pools
With me blinkin' stamp and postal order, too.

So, it only goes to show you that where ignorance is, bliss is 
Don't study form it ain't no good, just leave it to the Missus
She'll make a better job of it with ones and twos and kisses
Even though she puts an 'x' instead of '1'. 

Well, in due course we get the cash, ten thousand quid or more
But I can't say that I'm any better off
I got a motor car and some nylons for me Ma
And I'm living like a plutocratic toff. 

But are we 'appy?... ask the wife, she'll tell you that we ain't
'Cos' it ain't all beer and skittle bein' posh
To be a wealthy guy, with a collar an' a tie
And to have to take yer shirt off when you wash.

How I wish she'd put a '1' instead of 'x'
Well, now we've got the dough... we don't know what to do
We 'ad a bit o' fun puttin' 'x' and two and one
Now there's nothin' left for lookin' forward to. 

So I'm goin' to give the money up, present it to the nation
And football pools will be our weekly relaxation
Because the Missus wants to try 'er 'and at er... permutations
And I hope she puts an 'x' instead of '1'!!! 
The end